Today is a new day, and I can certainly say, that even though I am looking out at some very cloudy/rainy weather, I do feel a bit better today.
I think the last 4 to 5 days must have been some sort of hormonal ride at the 'emotional wonderland' that I have been frequenting occasionally.
But, today, I woke up in a different state of mind, albeit a bit tired as well.
I will go into a bit of my thought process the last couple of days. And I will say this to you - my experiences, by no means, are a way of me telling you to try ANY of what I do. I merely try things myself to see what works best for me, and then I share my experience here. Primarily, I like to share it because in the future, when I look back and read what I have wrote, I will know at that point if my choice or decision was the 'right' one for me. I am not a doctor, nor do I plan to be, but I am going strictly on my intuition as I see it. My body and I have quite the relationship, considering that I have had to be completely aware of all things for 24 years - or, since my diagnosis.
With all the questions surrounding my brain these last few days, I started to keep coming around to the same 'theme'. Whatever reading I did, whether it was on a discussion forum, or my memories of everything that I have read in the past, up to just before I got pregnant, I kept thinking Thyroid. Even though my queries with myself were about Premature Ovarian Failure, my gut keeps telling me "Thyroid". Call it crazy, but one piece of advice that I can be sure of, to my core, is that you must be your own advocate when it comes to your medical health. Nobody else will do it for you. Because of this - I have decided since well before 2005, to keep a copy of EVERY blood test I have had. I request a copy from my doctor, and make sure I follow up to do so. It is YOUR health, and YOUR results, so YOU are entitled to it. I do sign a release form and I do pay a dollar to cover their "paper & ink costs" but the medical file I keep for myself is priceless. I think about if I move, or if I must switch physicians for some reason, I can always keep a record for myself to show my past medical history, and without paying the hefty fees of having my files transferred if moving physicians. I find it even helps me to refer back to my file at times to see where my numbers were at a certain point in time.
This brings me to my thought process just the other evening. I do know that my last few blood tests have come back showing that my Hypothyroidism is now really Hyperthyroidism, due to the medication amount that I am on. Since my son was delivered, my Endocrinologist and I have discussed this issue, and it has been a choice of mine to keep it that way. It puts my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) levels on the lower end of 'normal' (creating somewhat of a Hyperthyroidism situation), but it is okay to keep it that way as long as it does not affect the other two tests that pertain to the thyroid. (Free T3 and Free T4) These other two have remained within normal range, and I have felt comfortable, thus far, keeping my medications at this level. You see, if I were to become pregnant - it is better for pregnancy success (without deformities etc.) if your Thyroid is on the Hyper end, than on the Hypo end, which is much more dangerous to a developing fetus.
With that said, my last few appointments with my Endocrinologist have been more about discussions on whether to lessen the dosage of my Thyroid medication. She always asks the pertinent questions on whether or not I am experiencing any type of Hyperthyroid symptoms. Things such as heart palpitations, jittery feelings, etc. To each question, I always answer "No" and then express how important I feel it is that I stay on the same level of medications. My reasoning is that: 1.If I were to get pregnant, the health of the fetus, 2. My energy levels get zapped enough with a 21 month old running around and I still have to nap, without the symptoms of fatigue from being too Hypo with my thyroid.
So, that's what the last few appointments have been like. My last appointment was in August, which brings me to now, the end of October. And due to the feelings and doubts I have been having about my inability to conceive, along with other things that I have been now experiencing, like feeling as though I cannot reach a deep sleep, and feel well rested, among other things, which may wholly be just hormones, but anxiety is coming along with it, and feeling overwhelmed.. I am feeling like it may be time for me to just reduce my thyroid medication by a small fraction. So, it may not show on my next blood test, as I have to get that done the first week of November, but it will show again when I have to see my Endocrinologist in January 2011, or if I get pregnant. Whatever one comes first.
I have been reviewing my TSH levels just prior to my getting pregnant back in 2008. On February 11, 2008 through tests ordered by the fertility specialist I was seeing at the time, my TSH levels came back as 0.17 LO. Levels are supposed to be between 0.35-5.00 MIU/L It was shortly after all this testing, among many others to do with fertility, etc. I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure.
On March 3, 2008 - only 3 weeks later, with tests ordered by my Endocrinologist my TSH was at a normal level of 0.70. Again, this put me back into the range of 0.35-5.00.
It was at the end of May 2008 that I became pregnant. On June 9, 2008, when I had suspected that I was pregnant, I asked to have tests done again, showing that the gestational age of the baby was 1-2 weeks. At that time, my TSH levels came in on the LO side, but close to normal range, at 0.32.
So, based on this information, the theory that I have come up with, in my mind - although it may not be medically correct, as said before, I am not a doctor, but this is what I truly do believe. I mean, we have to believe in something, correct? My thought processes have gone back a few years, thinking of the time that my Thyroid was so out of whack that I was suffering tremendously in many areas. My cholesterol levels were even through the roof, and at my age, that was completely not normal. I did not have bad eating habits. But, I do remember a conversation with an old Family Physician of mine, and will never forget the words he said. "Cindy, the Thyroid is like a car battery, without it, nothing works". So with that, I worked on getting my thyroid back in order. Little did I know at the time, the different type of medication I was on just wouldn't register well with my body. So, years later, I demanded to be put back on the medication I grew up on. And it worked. (Again, you have to be your own advocate!) My medications continue to work for me.
Okay, as I was saying....MY THEORY!
Now we are in the present. My last TSH levels were showing as <0.05 with normal ranges being between 0.35-5.00. Based on all the information I have gathered leading up to my first pregnancy, something is telling me that the 'car battery' aka Thyroid is interfering with many of my hormones, causing a misfire in sending it's signals out properly to get what may be the last egg available to fire out of my ovaries. So, now, I am on the road to trying to get all things leveled out. Enough of these excuses that I need my energy, etc. What I need, is to get my Thyroid back in the 'normal' range, and see what happens. It's my third day, and I have decreased my medications from 0.175mg down to 0.150mg. Let's see what happens! This may be the contributor of why I am also only getting my monthly visitor approximately every 4 months. Hopefully, I am right - but something tells me I am.
Well, all I have to do now, is wait and see. And if my theory proves correct, there will be lots of chatter going on in my medical community. I have to find a way to get this Premature Ovarian Failure into 'remission'. I can't just give up. That's not me.....
I'll keep taking it one day at a time.....
Friday 29 October 2010
Thursday 28 October 2010
Good 'mourning'
I cannot hold it in any longer. I must write. For days now, I have been sad, feeling depressed, and cannot continue as if everything is fine.
I am so sad. I am sad because of the uncertainty of my future. Will I have another child? And the many emotions that come along with it.
The fluctuating hormones and emotions in my body are causing me to be so emotional. I really think I am mourning the loss of a child that I may never meet or have. I am a wreck. The last few days, I can be doing anything one minute, and the next minute, my head is on my arm over the kitchen sink, sobbing uncontrollably.
I am trying to keep it together, but I am so sad on the inside that my body doesn't work sometimes, the way I want it to.
But I know that I need to do this. I need to mourn this 'loss'. Otherwise, I will be one big stress ball. So as I sit here, in tears, I know that this is a process and I must get through it.
I cannot wait to get to acceptance. But the hard part is, never knowing. Not knowing what is going to happen, and making that final decision, and being okay with it, to have just the one child.
I don't know where this road is going to lead me, but it's a difficult journey. I can try to stay positive, but some days are going to be harder than others.
I just have to remember, this too shall pass....
I am so sad. I am sad because of the uncertainty of my future. Will I have another child? And the many emotions that come along with it.
The fluctuating hormones and emotions in my body are causing me to be so emotional. I really think I am mourning the loss of a child that I may never meet or have. I am a wreck. The last few days, I can be doing anything one minute, and the next minute, my head is on my arm over the kitchen sink, sobbing uncontrollably.
I am trying to keep it together, but I am so sad on the inside that my body doesn't work sometimes, the way I want it to.
But I know that I need to do this. I need to mourn this 'loss'. Otherwise, I will be one big stress ball. So as I sit here, in tears, I know that this is a process and I must get through it.
I cannot wait to get to acceptance. But the hard part is, never knowing. Not knowing what is going to happen, and making that final decision, and being okay with it, to have just the one child.
I don't know where this road is going to lead me, but it's a difficult journey. I can try to stay positive, but some days are going to be harder than others.
I just have to remember, this too shall pass....
Friday 22 October 2010
Insulin Pump Infusion Sets....How many have YOU put in today?
So, I am on my third day of wearing my infusion set. Or so I thought, until I looked at my pump. "Last Reservoir started October 18, 2010" I am thinking "Are you kidding me? Where has the time gone? Four days already? This is just ridiculous!"
For those of you that are not sure what an infusion set is, it is sort of a 4 part system. It is the device used to hook up to an insulin pump. It consists of a cannula that you insert under the skin, almost with the same concept of an IV, where the needle does not stay in your skin, it is used only for insertion, and then left behind in your skin is a little tube. This little tube stays into your skin with another part called an adhesive mount. You rub this sticky stuff on your skin so that the adhesive part that holds the cannula in place will not come off easily and will stick to you for (hopefully) 3 days. The adhesive mount has a quick-disconnect section that connects to the long tubing that goes to the cartridge that is being held inside the insulin pump. It is the cartridge that is filled with insulin, and the pump is responsible for delivering the amount of insulin from that cartridge through the tubing, into the body. The pump has all the information programmed into it like a computer, based on data that you provide it by checking your blood sugars. (I can get into that part another day)
I am writing because I am wondering if there are any other persons with Diabetes out there who have had to go through the frustration of inserting your set, and finding that it hurts like He**! So, here I sit with 3, yes 3 sets in my tummy. And I am in pain tonight. The first one (now 4 days old) was starting to peel, and hurt, so thankfully I checked and found that it was 4 days old and realized it was time for a change. I then inserted the second one as my new one, and that one hurt so badly. I usually can insert them without incident. Once I inserted and did my fixed prime, it wasn't sitting nicely in my skin, and my nurse has always said to replace any that hurt. And I sure as heck am not going to be sleeping with that hurting tonight. So, attempt number 3! I tried another one, and for some reason, my skin is so sensitive tonight that I had terrible pain inserting that one as well. I managed to get it in and now have my pump operating off that one, but wow, I haven't had this happen in a VERY long time. For the first time in a long time, before I was able to get the third one in, I had a 'moment' with my pillow. I used it as a good old punching bag. I feel a bit better now...I must say! ;)
I am thankful to be on the pump, and I wouldn't change it for the world, but you know, the one thing they don't tell you much of is the permanent scarring you develop once you are on the pump. With daily injections, the needles are smaller so that you occasionally bruise, but usually do not scar. It is the quick in and out of that needle that causes no problems. With the insulin pump, that tubing sits in your skin, so your body tries to heal around it, and after 3 days, when it comes out, you are left with a scar. If you wait longer than 3 days, you start to risk causing an infection to flare up, well in my case anyway. So, I was blessed with having no stretch marks during my pregnancy, but the truth is, the scarring from the pump makes up for that!
Gone are the days of the unblemished tummy skin. Hello scars! I feel like a pin cushion most times, but do not complain about it much. But, I just had to share this tidbit of information with you that, yes, after 24 years, I have not gotten used to needles. Yes, they still hurt. And yes, I still sometimes get frustrated, ie. 'pillow moment'. And, I most certainly do NOT like using up extra sets as they are quite pricey! Here in Canada they run at about an average of twenty dollars each. Sure, when you think of partial insurances, etc. I think about the days when I had NO coverage. And to me, it still costs money.
So there are many ways to look at it, but I thought, while I let this burning pain settle that is radiating through the skin on my tummy, I would write a bit so I could go to bed and rest my head for the night.
Bruised and bent, but not broken....one day at a time. :)
For those of you that are not sure what an infusion set is, it is sort of a 4 part system. It is the device used to hook up to an insulin pump. It consists of a cannula that you insert under the skin, almost with the same concept of an IV, where the needle does not stay in your skin, it is used only for insertion, and then left behind in your skin is a little tube. This little tube stays into your skin with another part called an adhesive mount. You rub this sticky stuff on your skin so that the adhesive part that holds the cannula in place will not come off easily and will stick to you for (hopefully) 3 days. The adhesive mount has a quick-disconnect section that connects to the long tubing that goes to the cartridge that is being held inside the insulin pump. It is the cartridge that is filled with insulin, and the pump is responsible for delivering the amount of insulin from that cartridge through the tubing, into the body. The pump has all the information programmed into it like a computer, based on data that you provide it by checking your blood sugars. (I can get into that part another day)
I am writing because I am wondering if there are any other persons with Diabetes out there who have had to go through the frustration of inserting your set, and finding that it hurts like He**! So, here I sit with 3, yes 3 sets in my tummy. And I am in pain tonight. The first one (now 4 days old) was starting to peel, and hurt, so thankfully I checked and found that it was 4 days old and realized it was time for a change. I then inserted the second one as my new one, and that one hurt so badly. I usually can insert them without incident. Once I inserted and did my fixed prime, it wasn't sitting nicely in my skin, and my nurse has always said to replace any that hurt. And I sure as heck am not going to be sleeping with that hurting tonight. So, attempt number 3! I tried another one, and for some reason, my skin is so sensitive tonight that I had terrible pain inserting that one as well. I managed to get it in and now have my pump operating off that one, but wow, I haven't had this happen in a VERY long time. For the first time in a long time, before I was able to get the third one in, I had a 'moment' with my pillow. I used it as a good old punching bag. I feel a bit better now...I must say! ;)
I am thankful to be on the pump, and I wouldn't change it for the world, but you know, the one thing they don't tell you much of is the permanent scarring you develop once you are on the pump. With daily injections, the needles are smaller so that you occasionally bruise, but usually do not scar. It is the quick in and out of that needle that causes no problems. With the insulin pump, that tubing sits in your skin, so your body tries to heal around it, and after 3 days, when it comes out, you are left with a scar. If you wait longer than 3 days, you start to risk causing an infection to flare up, well in my case anyway. So, I was blessed with having no stretch marks during my pregnancy, but the truth is, the scarring from the pump makes up for that!
Gone are the days of the unblemished tummy skin. Hello scars! I feel like a pin cushion most times, but do not complain about it much. But, I just had to share this tidbit of information with you that, yes, after 24 years, I have not gotten used to needles. Yes, they still hurt. And yes, I still sometimes get frustrated, ie. 'pillow moment'. And, I most certainly do NOT like using up extra sets as they are quite pricey! Here in Canada they run at about an average of twenty dollars each. Sure, when you think of partial insurances, etc. I think about the days when I had NO coverage. And to me, it still costs money.
So there are many ways to look at it, but I thought, while I let this burning pain settle that is radiating through the skin on my tummy, I would write a bit so I could go to bed and rest my head for the night.
Bruised and bent, but not broken....one day at a time. :)
It's quiet, and I thought I'd pop by before bed...
Yes, it's late. I have no idea why I am up so late. I guess I just don't want this day to end, and maybe the Diet Coke I had earlier hasn't helped me in the 'sleepy department', so maybe writing will.
Today was a whirlwind for me, and I am feeling quite good about getting through the last few hectic days. Now the only thing that is really on my mind is how I must get back on the wagon of downloading my pump. Since my weekend away for Thanksgiving, I have sort of slacked, yet again! I must look at my data to figure out what needs tweaking next on my pump.
I am determined that by the time my November appointment rolls around, I will have a good HbA1C. But, if I continue like this, it will not be as great as I anticipate. So, I had better get crackin'!
So, this small note for tonight is not only a way to rest my mind for bedtime, but a reminder to myself that I am aiming for a specific goal. And the only way to achieve that goal is to go after it, and stay focused!. So, that's what I am going to do! Ha ha...if only it were that simple, right? Well, it's not simple, it never is! But, practice makes progress, and the more I work at it, the better results I will see.
Being that my last HbA1C was at 8.2, I am in desperate need of results this time. I have tried to change a few things, such as my eating habits. But you know, pumpkin seeds can only go so far in place of my potato chips. Well, I am not completely giving everything up, but my mouth waters just thinking about my chips. Mmm, chips....Okay...focus, stay focused!
So, tomorrow, *or should I say today*, is Friday, and this weekend I am going to be the birthday girl, and as a gift to myself, I am going to download my pump, and adjust it accordingly, and feel great about all of the health accomplishments, and other things I have done in my life.
I am grateful, and that's what counts. I will not take anything for granted, and I will take this one day at a time. Now I must hit the sack. There's a little boy that calls "Mamaaaa!" in the morning, and I have to be awake to enjoy the sound of his little voice. :)
Have a great night. Sleep tight!
Today was a whirlwind for me, and I am feeling quite good about getting through the last few hectic days. Now the only thing that is really on my mind is how I must get back on the wagon of downloading my pump. Since my weekend away for Thanksgiving, I have sort of slacked, yet again! I must look at my data to figure out what needs tweaking next on my pump.
I am determined that by the time my November appointment rolls around, I will have a good HbA1C. But, if I continue like this, it will not be as great as I anticipate. So, I had better get crackin'!
So, this small note for tonight is not only a way to rest my mind for bedtime, but a reminder to myself that I am aiming for a specific goal. And the only way to achieve that goal is to go after it, and stay focused!. So, that's what I am going to do! Ha ha...if only it were that simple, right? Well, it's not simple, it never is! But, practice makes progress, and the more I work at it, the better results I will see.
Being that my last HbA1C was at 8.2, I am in desperate need of results this time. I have tried to change a few things, such as my eating habits. But you know, pumpkin seeds can only go so far in place of my potato chips. Well, I am not completely giving everything up, but my mouth waters just thinking about my chips. Mmm, chips....Okay...focus, stay focused!
So, tomorrow, *or should I say today*, is Friday, and this weekend I am going to be the birthday girl, and as a gift to myself, I am going to download my pump, and adjust it accordingly, and feel great about all of the health accomplishments, and other things I have done in my life.
I am grateful, and that's what counts. I will not take anything for granted, and I will take this one day at a time. Now I must hit the sack. There's a little boy that calls "Mamaaaa!" in the morning, and I have to be awake to enjoy the sound of his little voice. :)
Have a great night. Sleep tight!
Monday 18 October 2010
I found a new 'sugar'!
Today I felt like I didn't stop one bit. Since I have quite the busy week coming up, I decided that I would try to sleep in this morning. But, that all came to an end at 9am when the door bell rang, and the dog barked, and I was far far away from dream land. I was awake, and there was no way I was getting back to sleep. I scurried around looking for something decent to wear downstairs to answer the door. As my sleepy eyes peered out the front door into the bright morning light, I realized - Darn it! I forgot to leave the fence unlocked for the pool maintenance guys to come and check a few things out for me.
So, I woke up pretty quickly, and going out into the back yard with the cool, crisp morning breeze, I was going to need coffee to get me through this day.
I tried to get lots done around the house today. And no matter how hard I tried, it seemed that the tornado of toys did not end. Either way, I managed to get the dishwasher loaded, the kitchen somewhat tidied, just so I could mess it up again for this evening's dinner, and then while dinner was in the oven, I was able to get the "J" man bathed and put down for a short nap. *Sigh* I tried to rest for a bit, but then I could not sleep again.
I got up, finished Dinner, ate with the family, then went off to work.
After work, I decided that it was time for some me-time. I drove to the nearest bulk food store, and took my time browsing every bin there. It was at the end of aisle one, I looked, then did a double take. I had been looking for this stuff about a month ago, and I finally stumbled upon it! Organic palm sugar - ingredients: 100% Coconut Palm Sugar. I was so excited!
What is Coconut Palm Sugar? Well, long story short, I am still reading up on it myself, but I have a friend living in France who told me about this. She is trying to bake and lower the amount of glucose she consumes due to some health issues. And, being that she has quite the sweet tooth, she has told me about this Coconut Palm Sugar that apparently is becoming quite popular. It is made from the sap of the coconut flower, and it is very low on the glycemic index, so it does not affect blood sugars nearly as much as sugar cane does.
I am so excited to have found it, and I am looking forward to trying some new (or old) recipes with it. It will be very easy to substitute in my recipes as the ratio is 1:1, so you basically add the same amount of Coconut palm sugar in place of what the amount of sugar calls for in your recipe. It is brown in color, and has a sweet taste, with a bit of a caramel aftertaste, so far, not bad at all!
I will have to share my thoughts on this new ingredient in my life, once I try it in a recipe, and see how my blood sugars do with it.
Now, for some sleep.....
So, I woke up pretty quickly, and going out into the back yard with the cool, crisp morning breeze, I was going to need coffee to get me through this day.
I tried to get lots done around the house today. And no matter how hard I tried, it seemed that the tornado of toys did not end. Either way, I managed to get the dishwasher loaded, the kitchen somewhat tidied, just so I could mess it up again for this evening's dinner, and then while dinner was in the oven, I was able to get the "J" man bathed and put down for a short nap. *Sigh* I tried to rest for a bit, but then I could not sleep again.
I got up, finished Dinner, ate with the family, then went off to work.
After work, I decided that it was time for some me-time. I drove to the nearest bulk food store, and took my time browsing every bin there. It was at the end of aisle one, I looked, then did a double take. I had been looking for this stuff about a month ago, and I finally stumbled upon it! Organic palm sugar - ingredients: 100% Coconut Palm Sugar. I was so excited!
What is Coconut Palm Sugar? Well, long story short, I am still reading up on it myself, but I have a friend living in France who told me about this. She is trying to bake and lower the amount of glucose she consumes due to some health issues. And, being that she has quite the sweet tooth, she has told me about this Coconut Palm Sugar that apparently is becoming quite popular. It is made from the sap of the coconut flower, and it is very low on the glycemic index, so it does not affect blood sugars nearly as much as sugar cane does.
I am so excited to have found it, and I am looking forward to trying some new (or old) recipes with it. It will be very easy to substitute in my recipes as the ratio is 1:1, so you basically add the same amount of Coconut palm sugar in place of what the amount of sugar calls for in your recipe. It is brown in color, and has a sweet taste, with a bit of a caramel aftertaste, so far, not bad at all!
I will have to share my thoughts on this new ingredient in my life, once I try it in a recipe, and see how my blood sugars do with it.
Now, for some sleep.....
Saturday 16 October 2010
Napping IS a part of life, even if you don't want to....
It's getting late, and I am sitting here contemplating what to do next around my house, when I feel I should be relaxing. But, I think I have finally figured out why it is I feel like I hardly get anything done. I set my number of things on my 'to do list' way too high! I then spend my day constantly thinking about the things I didn't get done, instead of focusing on the things I did complete.
This brings me to the topic of naps. Ever since I have been in school, particularly living with Diabetes and Hypothyroidism, there has been rare days where I can get through a day without a nap, and not feel tired. But, lately, I feel exhausted. And this tired feeling is not something I can just push through. And as much as I wish I were Super woman, I am not, therefore, I must nap. I do feel refreshed once I nap, but I have spent many years asking myself why I have to nap, when clearly, I feel that there are just not enough hours in a day!
So with that, I would love to enjoy life more, but a part of having quality of life, is listening to your body when it tells you to slow down. And lately, my body has been chatting up quite the storm! I have been napping the last few days, and wish I didn't feel guilty. I know I am not a lazy person, but I do get tired, and the only way to fix that is to nap.
With the world always in a hurry, I sometimes think I was meant to be in another country, where the 'Siesta' is a common tradition, and 'normal'. Either way, I will continue to do what helps me get through this, one day at a time.
This brings me to the topic of naps. Ever since I have been in school, particularly living with Diabetes and Hypothyroidism, there has been rare days where I can get through a day without a nap, and not feel tired. But, lately, I feel exhausted. And this tired feeling is not something I can just push through. And as much as I wish I were Super woman, I am not, therefore, I must nap. I do feel refreshed once I nap, but I have spent many years asking myself why I have to nap, when clearly, I feel that there are just not enough hours in a day!
So with that, I would love to enjoy life more, but a part of having quality of life, is listening to your body when it tells you to slow down. And lately, my body has been chatting up quite the storm! I have been napping the last few days, and wish I didn't feel guilty. I know I am not a lazy person, but I do get tired, and the only way to fix that is to nap.
With the world always in a hurry, I sometimes think I was meant to be in another country, where the 'Siesta' is a common tradition, and 'normal'. Either way, I will continue to do what helps me get through this, one day at a time.
Wednesday 13 October 2010
All things can be sugar and spice and everything nice......but....
It's been over a week since I last wrote. And the time before that, my son was sick with a fever for 6 days, so I drop in here when I can, and hopefully, it will be more often in the near future.
This past week took me away from the world of internet, phone, etc. It was a nice getaway for our Thanksgiving weekend. I managed to get some nice photography shots near the water. I love water - I am drawn to it, and quite frankly, I find it very therapeutic.
Which brings me to the present. Every other week, I have been experiencing a day or two here and there where I am just not feeling quite right within myself. *I'll pause here for a moment as my boy is ready to pour a bowl of cheerios over his head. :) * Okay, as I was saying....I have been finding myself in these particular moods that I cannot sort through. Really, I think I do know what's going on. Even though Life goes on and we have our daily happenings around here, I feel that this Premature Ovarian Failure has a bit of a hold on me. You see, I have had 24 years to accept having Type 1 Diabetes, and Hypothyroidism, and that doesn't make it any easier, but it does have precedence in the 'acceptance' department, if you know what I mean.
The Premature Ovarian Failure diagnosis is still quite fresh for me, and yes - it has been 2 years and 7 months since my official diagnosis, but I didn't have to pay it much attention, or process it for that matter, because I got pregnant with my first child two months after that diagnosis. Then came my obsession of having a successful diabetic pregnancy, and then having a baby, and all that comes with that. So, now I sit here, with I guess you can say, a second diagnosis, because it is now resurfacing. The hormone fluctuations are happening, I suffer hot flashes, and feel that these rampant hormones are affecting my moods as well. I can be strong most of the time, but the thought within me these days have me sort of obsessing whether or not I will have my second child that I yearn for. I find myself tearing up with emotion at the weirdest times. I mean, I know I can be a sucker for punishment, but why buy barrettes at the grocery store and pin them on my fridge? I don't even have a little girl. I think it's the unknown that is getting me all up in arms. Most days I am shrugging this diagnosis off because we had our first boy, and I know things work out in their own time, but then I stop and think, "Can I have a miracle twice?" Then I was reading an article in a magazine yesterday about people living their lives at certain ages and what advice they give, knowing what they know now. And the words "Have the baby" jumped off the page at me. And then of course, my thoughts go immediately to, "What if I cannot?" So, I find my blog here so appropriately named....The Roller coaster. That's what I am on, and I don't know when the ride will end. I only hope that it's a happy ending, that's all.
I just need to keep faith in knowing that whatever is meant to be will happen for me, and when the final decision comes from the 'universe' or 'higher power', I just have to learn to accept it. But, that doesn't mean that I won't have moments of feeling sad and disappointed. That's what I need to go through to get to the acceptance part.
Warning - do not proceed to read ahead if you cannot handle the "TMI department" *too much information* as I will be talking about the reality of living with Premature Ovarian Failure.
In the meantime, on a positive note, and in the TMI (too much information) department, I have just had a visit from my monthly friend for the first time in 75 days, which is a smaller time frame than my last one of 142 days apart. So, this could be a good sign with that time frame being cut in half. My blood sugars are doing well (with the exception of this past crazy weekend) with my adjustments on my insulin pump. I have been on my prenatal vitamins for almost 2 months now, and fingers remain crossed for something more than just an Anovulatory cycle. An anovulatory cycle is a menstrual cycle in which ovulation (release of an egg) fails to occur. So yes, I clearly need to relax my brain but I am living this thing day to day just waiting and wondering what is going to happen. With the hormones in my body, it can be difficult sometimes.
A little story to tell you about my last appointment with my Endocrinologist - it was the day I had the stress test. I didn't mention this in my previous blog about it. After I was finished asking her about my prenatal vitamins, and my wacky blood sugars, I told her something that made her laugh. Humor is always good when trying to get through something. Lightheartedly, I told my Endocrinologist that I would get pregnant by November. She laughed and asked me why I would choose November. I then told her that it's all about timing. I told her that since my menstrual periods were 4 months apart, I would predict my next one to be November, and also, in November, I will have been on my prenatal vitamins for 3 months, which would take me to the appropriate amount of time to be on a prenatal vitamin before getting pregnant. She then laughed a kind laugh, and said, "Well, Cindy, if that happens, I will just have to write an article on you!" So, I then told her "I will will it to happen!" and smiled as she walked out the door. I guess this will be a true test of 'what you think about, you bring about'. But, based on her comment, I am thinking that this may be a little more difficult than I am thinking. We will see.
Writing helps me. I babble my thoughts here, and feel like I can breathe again. So, with that, I am going to go enjoy this day and feel blessed with the little boy that's sitting here next to me using his yogurt to finger paint. :) He does not know it yet, but one day he will know how much we wanted him in our lives, and we are so happy he is here. We love you "J" man. And we can only hope that one day, I can write about a little sibling for him.
One day at a time!
Cindy :)
This past week took me away from the world of internet, phone, etc. It was a nice getaway for our Thanksgiving weekend. I managed to get some nice photography shots near the water. I love water - I am drawn to it, and quite frankly, I find it very therapeutic.
Which brings me to the present. Every other week, I have been experiencing a day or two here and there where I am just not feeling quite right within myself. *I'll pause here for a moment as my boy is ready to pour a bowl of cheerios over his head. :) * Okay, as I was saying....I have been finding myself in these particular moods that I cannot sort through. Really, I think I do know what's going on. Even though Life goes on and we have our daily happenings around here, I feel that this Premature Ovarian Failure has a bit of a hold on me. You see, I have had 24 years to accept having Type 1 Diabetes, and Hypothyroidism, and that doesn't make it any easier, but it does have precedence in the 'acceptance' department, if you know what I mean.
The Premature Ovarian Failure diagnosis is still quite fresh for me, and yes - it has been 2 years and 7 months since my official diagnosis, but I didn't have to pay it much attention, or process it for that matter, because I got pregnant with my first child two months after that diagnosis. Then came my obsession of having a successful diabetic pregnancy, and then having a baby, and all that comes with that. So, now I sit here, with I guess you can say, a second diagnosis, because it is now resurfacing. The hormone fluctuations are happening, I suffer hot flashes, and feel that these rampant hormones are affecting my moods as well. I can be strong most of the time, but the thought within me these days have me sort of obsessing whether or not I will have my second child that I yearn for. I find myself tearing up with emotion at the weirdest times. I mean, I know I can be a sucker for punishment, but why buy barrettes at the grocery store and pin them on my fridge? I don't even have a little girl. I think it's the unknown that is getting me all up in arms. Most days I am shrugging this diagnosis off because we had our first boy, and I know things work out in their own time, but then I stop and think, "Can I have a miracle twice?" Then I was reading an article in a magazine yesterday about people living their lives at certain ages and what advice they give, knowing what they know now. And the words "Have the baby" jumped off the page at me. And then of course, my thoughts go immediately to, "What if I cannot?" So, I find my blog here so appropriately named....The Roller coaster. That's what I am on, and I don't know when the ride will end. I only hope that it's a happy ending, that's all.
I just need to keep faith in knowing that whatever is meant to be will happen for me, and when the final decision comes from the 'universe' or 'higher power', I just have to learn to accept it. But, that doesn't mean that I won't have moments of feeling sad and disappointed. That's what I need to go through to get to the acceptance part.
Warning - do not proceed to read ahead if you cannot handle the "TMI department" *too much information* as I will be talking about the reality of living with Premature Ovarian Failure.
In the meantime, on a positive note, and in the TMI (too much information) department, I have just had a visit from my monthly friend for the first time in 75 days, which is a smaller time frame than my last one of 142 days apart. So, this could be a good sign with that time frame being cut in half. My blood sugars are doing well (with the exception of this past crazy weekend) with my adjustments on my insulin pump. I have been on my prenatal vitamins for almost 2 months now, and fingers remain crossed for something more than just an Anovulatory cycle. An anovulatory cycle is a menstrual cycle in which ovulation (release of an egg) fails to occur. So yes, I clearly need to relax my brain but I am living this thing day to day just waiting and wondering what is going to happen. With the hormones in my body, it can be difficult sometimes.
A little story to tell you about my last appointment with my Endocrinologist - it was the day I had the stress test. I didn't mention this in my previous blog about it. After I was finished asking her about my prenatal vitamins, and my wacky blood sugars, I told her something that made her laugh. Humor is always good when trying to get through something. Lightheartedly, I told my Endocrinologist that I would get pregnant by November. She laughed and asked me why I would choose November. I then told her that it's all about timing. I told her that since my menstrual periods were 4 months apart, I would predict my next one to be November, and also, in November, I will have been on my prenatal vitamins for 3 months, which would take me to the appropriate amount of time to be on a prenatal vitamin before getting pregnant. She then laughed a kind laugh, and said, "Well, Cindy, if that happens, I will just have to write an article on you!" So, I then told her "I will will it to happen!" and smiled as she walked out the door. I guess this will be a true test of 'what you think about, you bring about'. But, based on her comment, I am thinking that this may be a little more difficult than I am thinking. We will see.
Writing helps me. I babble my thoughts here, and feel like I can breathe again. So, with that, I am going to go enjoy this day and feel blessed with the little boy that's sitting here next to me using his yogurt to finger paint. :) He does not know it yet, but one day he will know how much we wanted him in our lives, and we are so happy he is here. We love you "J" man. And we can only hope that one day, I can write about a little sibling for him.
One day at a time!
Cindy :)
Tuesday 5 October 2010
Happy 24th Anniversary to ME!!!
Today I woke up in a particularly reflective mood, and today of all days, I cannot help the fact that I have so much to be thankful for.
First, I am thankful for the years 1921 and 1922. Why would I be so thankful for two years in time when I did not even exist yet? Because, in 1921, there were four men involved in something life changing, not only for many people, but for me. Dr. Frederick Banting was the first guy. He discovered insulin in 1921 when he successfully lowered a dog's blood sugar. Charles Best was a research assistant along side Dr. Banting at the time. Then the other two guys, researcher John Macleod and chemist James Collip would help to prepare the insulin for human use. In January of 1922, the first human insulin injection was given, saving a boy's life.
Now, here I sit on October 5, 2010, and I am celebrating my 24th anniversary with Type 1 Insulin Dependent Diabetes. I get a very odd response from people when I say I am "celebrating" the anniversary of my diagnosis with this potentially deadly disease. Well, why wouldn't I celebrate? I have been given an extra 24 years of life that would have otherwise been my death sentence back in 1986 had the discovery of insulin not been made. And for that, I am thankful. I am also thankful that with 24 years under my belt, I have been blessed with the gift of not yet suffering with major complications caused by this disease. Others are not so lucky, and I know that from first hand experience. I cry every time I hear about one of my camp friends who have had to suffer at the hands of this dreadful disease.
Insulin was given to me as a tool. It doesn't 'cure' everything. There are many tools involved in maintaining a proper balance to live a long time with this disease. One of the major things you need is, attitude. A good attitude to help pull you out of a hole on a bad day, and a stubborn attitude to make sure that this disease doesn't kick your butt. Then most of the other stuff you need is knowledge and pure determination and Hope. You keep at it, day in, and day out, and just hope for the best. It all doesn't come without some hard work involved. Any person with Diabetes will tell you that nothing is ever perfect, so I am in no way trying to portray perfection. There are days you simply burn out, but really - what other choice do you have? You just need to be okay with feeling burned out, then brush yourself off, and get back on that wagon. Yes, it sucks sometimes, but this is the hand I was dealt, and I have to be okay with it, for the most part. I feel that acceptance has gotten me even further with this disease. Fighting with myself that it doesn't exist creates only more stress. So, I just help this disease be as comfortable as it can be inside my body so it doesn't wreak havoc on my body. I can't 'evict' it, so I live with it.
Alongside all of those things that you need to maintain a balance with this disease, I have used many of these 'tools' in my general life experiences. You see, this disease tends to make you look at the world in a different way. If you think long and hard enough, it will make you realize that the little petty things in life just don't matter.
Today I am proud, happy, and feel so accomplished to have 24 years under my belt, and many more to go, if I have anything to do with it. So yes, I am "celebrating"! I am celebrating so much so that I am seriously considering having a 25th Anniversary party next year to celebrate this extra LIFE I have been given. Who wouldn't celebrate with having 25 years added to their clock?
Happy 24th Anniversary to ME! Bring it on, baby!
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