I find myself 'strolling' in here tonight because I feel overwhelmed. I find it quite annoying when I step out of being present and my brain takes me on a ride with all the thoughts that run through. I sometimes feel as though I am smothering in my own thoughts, so I need to process in a healthy manner. Writing works for me - it always has.
I have my Endocrinologist appointment tomorrow and with that appointment, brings a lot of thoughts for me. It's my 'wake up call' appointment, my 'reminder of how I am not perfect' appointment, my 'reality' appointment....my life. The reminder of the things I sometimes just want to forget. But, I can't. It's back to all the things I want to 'evict' from my body, but I have to learn to coexist with.
My thoughts go to the fact that I will have to discuss my newly diagnosed Fibromyalgia with her, then my thyroid levels, then how my latest A1C is (which brings a little anxiety as I do not want to be disappointed with my efforts) and then, I am supposed to bring the decision to the table. One that I have put off for months now - whether I want to start Hormone Replacement therapy or not. All the while, I am trying to accept being 'broken', not being able to have a sibling for my son. Yes, some may call it feeling sorry for myself, but I call it my reality, and darn it, there are some days I really am just very sad about it all. I cannot be strong all the time, and this is my place to come to release it all, hoping to get back to finding peace. Peace within myself. I feel as though with all the appointments I go to, each doctor I see is for a separate issue. However, I feel like whenever I go to my Endocrinologist appointments, it's the place where I go where all my issues go to 'collide' with one another, and frankly, I find it overwhelming. I am used to dealing with things one at a time. It's easier to cope that way. But to throw it all in together, and stir it up , it saddens me...for the moment.
I know I am just having a day, and I know it will get better, but these hormonal rides I go on are sometimes not so fun, and I need to release it. All the while, whoever may stumble upon this some night while searching for living with 'Type 1 Diabetes', 'Hypothyroidism', 'Fibromyalgia', or 'Premature Ovarian Failure', you have found it all here, welcome to my world. But if it will help you in any way, to find some sort of familiarity with my release of vulnerability, then I have helped at least one person, and have a purpose.
Onward and upward....one day at a time.
Good Night.
Showing posts with label Hypothyroidism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hypothyroidism. Show all posts
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
Leap Year! Leaps and bounds....
I thought I would take the opportunity of posting today, because, I won't get to post, on this date, for another 4 years! Hmm, I wonder where my life will be 4 years from now? I will look back on this post and hopefully laugh, and be proud at how far I've come.
On this date, in four years, I will have already taken my son to his first day of school. He will be in Grade 2. Even though there are many things a person can hope for, these are just a couple of the things I hope for that's on the top of my list, at this moment, for the next Leap year:
- I hope that we are able to give our son a sibling
- I hope that my son will be able to say, "I love you Mom"
- I hope that I am able to maintain such good control of my health, that being a person with Diabetes with 'no complications' can continue to be a part of my life.
- I hope that Life will be kind. Who knows what 4 years may bring.
- I hope to find direction in what my passion is - photography. I want to find out where I am supposed to be with it.
-I hope that my family and friends continue to experience good health & happiness.
Mainly, I hope that until the next Leap year, I am able to remain more present than not. Enjoy each day as it comes, and continue to have gratefulness in my heart for whatever may come my way. To continue to Dream, Believe, Hope - and have Faith in it all. These are the things I hope for, right now, in this moment.
Right now, I am focused on today. In four years, I can look back on this entry, and reminisce about the time gone by. For now, I am thankful for the time I have been given.
Happy Leap Year!
On this date, in four years, I will have already taken my son to his first day of school. He will be in Grade 2. Even though there are many things a person can hope for, these are just a couple of the things I hope for that's on the top of my list, at this moment, for the next Leap year:
- I hope that we are able to give our son a sibling
- I hope that my son will be able to say, "I love you Mom"
- I hope that I am able to maintain such good control of my health, that being a person with Diabetes with 'no complications' can continue to be a part of my life.
- I hope that Life will be kind. Who knows what 4 years may bring.
- I hope to find direction in what my passion is - photography. I want to find out where I am supposed to be with it.
-I hope that my family and friends continue to experience good health & happiness.
Mainly, I hope that until the next Leap year, I am able to remain more present than not. Enjoy each day as it comes, and continue to have gratefulness in my heart for whatever may come my way. To continue to Dream, Believe, Hope - and have Faith in it all. These are the things I hope for, right now, in this moment.
Right now, I am focused on today. In four years, I can look back on this entry, and reminisce about the time gone by. For now, I am thankful for the time I have been given.
Happy Leap Year!
Friday, 29 October 2010
And, it did pass.....and now on with this thing called LIFE!
Today is a new day, and I can certainly say, that even though I am looking out at some very cloudy/rainy weather, I do feel a bit better today.
I think the last 4 to 5 days must have been some sort of hormonal ride at the 'emotional wonderland' that I have been frequenting occasionally.
But, today, I woke up in a different state of mind, albeit a bit tired as well.
I will go into a bit of my thought process the last couple of days. And I will say this to you - my experiences, by no means, are a way of me telling you to try ANY of what I do. I merely try things myself to see what works best for me, and then I share my experience here. Primarily, I like to share it because in the future, when I look back and read what I have wrote, I will know at that point if my choice or decision was the 'right' one for me. I am not a doctor, nor do I plan to be, but I am going strictly on my intuition as I see it. My body and I have quite the relationship, considering that I have had to be completely aware of all things for 24 years - or, since my diagnosis.
With all the questions surrounding my brain these last few days, I started to keep coming around to the same 'theme'. Whatever reading I did, whether it was on a discussion forum, or my memories of everything that I have read in the past, up to just before I got pregnant, I kept thinking Thyroid. Even though my queries with myself were about Premature Ovarian Failure, my gut keeps telling me "Thyroid". Call it crazy, but one piece of advice that I can be sure of, to my core, is that you must be your own advocate when it comes to your medical health. Nobody else will do it for you. Because of this - I have decided since well before 2005, to keep a copy of EVERY blood test I have had. I request a copy from my doctor, and make sure I follow up to do so. It is YOUR health, and YOUR results, so YOU are entitled to it. I do sign a release form and I do pay a dollar to cover their "paper & ink costs" but the medical file I keep for myself is priceless. I think about if I move, or if I must switch physicians for some reason, I can always keep a record for myself to show my past medical history, and without paying the hefty fees of having my files transferred if moving physicians. I find it even helps me to refer back to my file at times to see where my numbers were at a certain point in time.
This brings me to my thought process just the other evening. I do know that my last few blood tests have come back showing that my Hypothyroidism is now really Hyperthyroidism, due to the medication amount that I am on. Since my son was delivered, my Endocrinologist and I have discussed this issue, and it has been a choice of mine to keep it that way. It puts my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) levels on the lower end of 'normal' (creating somewhat of a Hyperthyroidism situation), but it is okay to keep it that way as long as it does not affect the other two tests that pertain to the thyroid. (Free T3 and Free T4) These other two have remained within normal range, and I have felt comfortable, thus far, keeping my medications at this level. You see, if I were to become pregnant - it is better for pregnancy success (without deformities etc.) if your Thyroid is on the Hyper end, than on the Hypo end, which is much more dangerous to a developing fetus.
With that said, my last few appointments with my Endocrinologist have been more about discussions on whether to lessen the dosage of my Thyroid medication. She always asks the pertinent questions on whether or not I am experiencing any type of Hyperthyroid symptoms. Things such as heart palpitations, jittery feelings, etc. To each question, I always answer "No" and then express how important I feel it is that I stay on the same level of medications. My reasoning is that: 1.If I were to get pregnant, the health of the fetus, 2. My energy levels get zapped enough with a 21 month old running around and I still have to nap, without the symptoms of fatigue from being too Hypo with my thyroid.
So, that's what the last few appointments have been like. My last appointment was in August, which brings me to now, the end of October. And due to the feelings and doubts I have been having about my inability to conceive, along with other things that I have been now experiencing, like feeling as though I cannot reach a deep sleep, and feel well rested, among other things, which may wholly be just hormones, but anxiety is coming along with it, and feeling overwhelmed.. I am feeling like it may be time for me to just reduce my thyroid medication by a small fraction. So, it may not show on my next blood test, as I have to get that done the first week of November, but it will show again when I have to see my Endocrinologist in January 2011, or if I get pregnant. Whatever one comes first.
I have been reviewing my TSH levels just prior to my getting pregnant back in 2008. On February 11, 2008 through tests ordered by the fertility specialist I was seeing at the time, my TSH levels came back as 0.17 LO. Levels are supposed to be between 0.35-5.00 MIU/L It was shortly after all this testing, among many others to do with fertility, etc. I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure.
On March 3, 2008 - only 3 weeks later, with tests ordered by my Endocrinologist my TSH was at a normal level of 0.70. Again, this put me back into the range of 0.35-5.00.
It was at the end of May 2008 that I became pregnant. On June 9, 2008, when I had suspected that I was pregnant, I asked to have tests done again, showing that the gestational age of the baby was 1-2 weeks. At that time, my TSH levels came in on the LO side, but close to normal range, at 0.32.
So, based on this information, the theory that I have come up with, in my mind - although it may not be medically correct, as said before, I am not a doctor, but this is what I truly do believe. I mean, we have to believe in something, correct? My thought processes have gone back a few years, thinking of the time that my Thyroid was so out of whack that I was suffering tremendously in many areas. My cholesterol levels were even through the roof, and at my age, that was completely not normal. I did not have bad eating habits. But, I do remember a conversation with an old Family Physician of mine, and will never forget the words he said. "Cindy, the Thyroid is like a car battery, without it, nothing works". So with that, I worked on getting my thyroid back in order. Little did I know at the time, the different type of medication I was on just wouldn't register well with my body. So, years later, I demanded to be put back on the medication I grew up on. And it worked. (Again, you have to be your own advocate!) My medications continue to work for me.
Okay, as I was saying....MY THEORY!
Now we are in the present. My last TSH levels were showing as <0.05 with normal ranges being between 0.35-5.00. Based on all the information I have gathered leading up to my first pregnancy, something is telling me that the 'car battery' aka Thyroid is interfering with many of my hormones, causing a misfire in sending it's signals out properly to get what may be the last egg available to fire out of my ovaries. So, now, I am on the road to trying to get all things leveled out. Enough of these excuses that I need my energy, etc. What I need, is to get my Thyroid back in the 'normal' range, and see what happens. It's my third day, and I have decreased my medications from 0.175mg down to 0.150mg. Let's see what happens! This may be the contributor of why I am also only getting my monthly visitor approximately every 4 months. Hopefully, I am right - but something tells me I am.
Well, all I have to do now, is wait and see. And if my theory proves correct, there will be lots of chatter going on in my medical community. I have to find a way to get this Premature Ovarian Failure into 'remission'. I can't just give up. That's not me.....
I'll keep taking it one day at a time.....
I think the last 4 to 5 days must have been some sort of hormonal ride at the 'emotional wonderland' that I have been frequenting occasionally.
But, today, I woke up in a different state of mind, albeit a bit tired as well.
I will go into a bit of my thought process the last couple of days. And I will say this to you - my experiences, by no means, are a way of me telling you to try ANY of what I do. I merely try things myself to see what works best for me, and then I share my experience here. Primarily, I like to share it because in the future, when I look back and read what I have wrote, I will know at that point if my choice or decision was the 'right' one for me. I am not a doctor, nor do I plan to be, but I am going strictly on my intuition as I see it. My body and I have quite the relationship, considering that I have had to be completely aware of all things for 24 years - or, since my diagnosis.
With all the questions surrounding my brain these last few days, I started to keep coming around to the same 'theme'. Whatever reading I did, whether it was on a discussion forum, or my memories of everything that I have read in the past, up to just before I got pregnant, I kept thinking Thyroid. Even though my queries with myself were about Premature Ovarian Failure, my gut keeps telling me "Thyroid". Call it crazy, but one piece of advice that I can be sure of, to my core, is that you must be your own advocate when it comes to your medical health. Nobody else will do it for you. Because of this - I have decided since well before 2005, to keep a copy of EVERY blood test I have had. I request a copy from my doctor, and make sure I follow up to do so. It is YOUR health, and YOUR results, so YOU are entitled to it. I do sign a release form and I do pay a dollar to cover their "paper & ink costs" but the medical file I keep for myself is priceless. I think about if I move, or if I must switch physicians for some reason, I can always keep a record for myself to show my past medical history, and without paying the hefty fees of having my files transferred if moving physicians. I find it even helps me to refer back to my file at times to see where my numbers were at a certain point in time.
This brings me to my thought process just the other evening. I do know that my last few blood tests have come back showing that my Hypothyroidism is now really Hyperthyroidism, due to the medication amount that I am on. Since my son was delivered, my Endocrinologist and I have discussed this issue, and it has been a choice of mine to keep it that way. It puts my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) levels on the lower end of 'normal' (creating somewhat of a Hyperthyroidism situation), but it is okay to keep it that way as long as it does not affect the other two tests that pertain to the thyroid. (Free T3 and Free T4) These other two have remained within normal range, and I have felt comfortable, thus far, keeping my medications at this level. You see, if I were to become pregnant - it is better for pregnancy success (without deformities etc.) if your Thyroid is on the Hyper end, than on the Hypo end, which is much more dangerous to a developing fetus.
With that said, my last few appointments with my Endocrinologist have been more about discussions on whether to lessen the dosage of my Thyroid medication. She always asks the pertinent questions on whether or not I am experiencing any type of Hyperthyroid symptoms. Things such as heart palpitations, jittery feelings, etc. To each question, I always answer "No" and then express how important I feel it is that I stay on the same level of medications. My reasoning is that: 1.If I were to get pregnant, the health of the fetus, 2. My energy levels get zapped enough with a 21 month old running around and I still have to nap, without the symptoms of fatigue from being too Hypo with my thyroid.
So, that's what the last few appointments have been like. My last appointment was in August, which brings me to now, the end of October. And due to the feelings and doubts I have been having about my inability to conceive, along with other things that I have been now experiencing, like feeling as though I cannot reach a deep sleep, and feel well rested, among other things, which may wholly be just hormones, but anxiety is coming along with it, and feeling overwhelmed.. I am feeling like it may be time for me to just reduce my thyroid medication by a small fraction. So, it may not show on my next blood test, as I have to get that done the first week of November, but it will show again when I have to see my Endocrinologist in January 2011, or if I get pregnant. Whatever one comes first.
I have been reviewing my TSH levels just prior to my getting pregnant back in 2008. On February 11, 2008 through tests ordered by the fertility specialist I was seeing at the time, my TSH levels came back as 0.17 LO. Levels are supposed to be between 0.35-5.00 MIU/L It was shortly after all this testing, among many others to do with fertility, etc. I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure.
On March 3, 2008 - only 3 weeks later, with tests ordered by my Endocrinologist my TSH was at a normal level of 0.70. Again, this put me back into the range of 0.35-5.00.
It was at the end of May 2008 that I became pregnant. On June 9, 2008, when I had suspected that I was pregnant, I asked to have tests done again, showing that the gestational age of the baby was 1-2 weeks. At that time, my TSH levels came in on the LO side, but close to normal range, at 0.32.
So, based on this information, the theory that I have come up with, in my mind - although it may not be medically correct, as said before, I am not a doctor, but this is what I truly do believe. I mean, we have to believe in something, correct? My thought processes have gone back a few years, thinking of the time that my Thyroid was so out of whack that I was suffering tremendously in many areas. My cholesterol levels were even through the roof, and at my age, that was completely not normal. I did not have bad eating habits. But, I do remember a conversation with an old Family Physician of mine, and will never forget the words he said. "Cindy, the Thyroid is like a car battery, without it, nothing works". So with that, I worked on getting my thyroid back in order. Little did I know at the time, the different type of medication I was on just wouldn't register well with my body. So, years later, I demanded to be put back on the medication I grew up on. And it worked. (Again, you have to be your own advocate!) My medications continue to work for me.
Okay, as I was saying....MY THEORY!
Now we are in the present. My last TSH levels were showing as <0.05 with normal ranges being between 0.35-5.00. Based on all the information I have gathered leading up to my first pregnancy, something is telling me that the 'car battery' aka Thyroid is interfering with many of my hormones, causing a misfire in sending it's signals out properly to get what may be the last egg available to fire out of my ovaries. So, now, I am on the road to trying to get all things leveled out. Enough of these excuses that I need my energy, etc. What I need, is to get my Thyroid back in the 'normal' range, and see what happens. It's my third day, and I have decreased my medications from 0.175mg down to 0.150mg. Let's see what happens! This may be the contributor of why I am also only getting my monthly visitor approximately every 4 months. Hopefully, I am right - but something tells me I am.
Well, all I have to do now, is wait and see. And if my theory proves correct, there will be lots of chatter going on in my medical community. I have to find a way to get this Premature Ovarian Failure into 'remission'. I can't just give up. That's not me.....
I'll keep taking it one day at a time.....
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