3 Months have passed - time flies - a little catching up....

Wow - it's been a while! I will try to catch up as best I can.

Well, last time I wrote - I was going through many emotions. As it turns out, on March 17, 2008 (St. Patrick's Day), Cory and I took our journey to Hamilton to visit with the fertility specialist, Dr. Hughes, to receive the results of the battery of tests that we had gone through.

My bone density test came back normal with my left hip showing a bit on the lower end of the normal range - but I was quite relieved to find out that I was not in any risk of developing osteoporosis in the near future. Cory's tests also came out great - he passed with flying colors! As for my antral follicle count, this is where they do a trans vaginal ultrasound which is quite uncomfortable, well - that came back not so promising - according to the doctor. He said that at my age of 32, I should have approximately 15 follicles per ovary, which would bring me many years of fertility. However, that wasn't the case. They found it difficult to find my left ovary, and the doctor referred to that one as the "quiet" one. My right ovary had 3 follicles left on it. So, due to the premature ovarian failure, his prognosis was that Cory and I had an 8 to 10% chance of conceiving in the next 3 years. After the 3 years - based on my hormone levels and follicles, he felt that our chances would be nil. I would be in full menopause by that time. So, we left that day - it was quiet for a while...but oddly enough, we both seemed okay. I suppose you could call it denial, disbelief, or just our way of dealing with the news - it just didn't seem real. Either that, or we were just trying to be strong for the other person.

So, when we returned home, life returned to normal. The everyday routines of working, eating, sleeping, dealing with our new pup Eddie, continued. Eddie seemed to be plagued with a sensitive tummy - so our focus was to get him well - after 4 diet changes, we have finally been able to find something to help him. I only hope it continues, after all, the last 3 days he's been throwing up now...If it continues - off to the vet we go, again.

April came and went - I started writing my monthly cycles down on this little calendar I had, thinking that maybe, just maybe - I could recognize when there would be a pattern occurring. I sometimes would get my period 60 days apart, other days, 22 - but for a few months, it seemed to be popping up around every 38 to 40 days. This was good - I was thinking that getting my thyroid in order may have been working for me. After all my research, reading, everything - my belief, within myself was that these thyroid antibodies are floating around and have the best of me, but when that gets fixed up, along with my diabetes, I may actually kick this premature ovarian failure temporarily and possibly go into remission - even if for a little while - long enough for me to ovulate and release an egg. So, I guess a part of my acceptance of this condition was just that if I can be in the small percentage of women who have premature ovarian failure, then I could also be the woman who fits into the small percentage of the 8 to 10% chance that the doctor gave us to conceive.

I think the most upsetting part for me was to break the news to the family. Since I am the oldest child in my family - there are no grandchildren yet. And on my Husband's side, there is one grandchild - and she is now 12 years old. So, as you can imagine, there was an unspoken longing for another grandchild to be added to the picture. I just wanted everyone to accept the news. I could not bear to see any of them hurt. My thinking was, if I can accept this and move on - then they should do the same. I did not want them living with false hope - dragging out the hurt for themselves.

You see, I have learned that by accepting things, and not resisting them - brings you more peace in the long run. Why fight what is? Sometimes I believe that fighting things only brings more resistance, which only distances you more from the goal you are trying to achieve. Here's an analogy I heard one time - and have carried it with me. Picture holding a bar of wet soap. If you squeeze that bar of soap because you want to hold onto it so bad - it is going to slip and slide everywhere and just slip right out of your hands (resistance). Acceptance is relaxing and just letting the bar of soap sit there, in your hand - it will not slip out if you let it just be.

So - we enjoyed the month of April. April 5 I had asked for the day off as 4 of us went to the Elmira Maple Syrup festival. Dario, Cheryl, Cory and I had a great time. We were supposed to go to a Def Leppard concert the following weekend (April 13) with our friends Bev and Mark - but unfortunately, last minute, the concert was postponed due to illness. We were quite disappointed, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. They gave us a new date, but then informed us that REO Speedwagon and Styx were also pulled from the show. The new date also didn't correspond with our holiday dates to Newfoundland, so we all decided to just get a refund. Oh well, better luck next time I suppose.

April 14, I finally went to the hospital to be hooked up to my insulin pump for the first time. Cory came with me as I had a little anxiety about it all. He was very supportive and quite surprised by the size of the needle that I had to learn to inject by myself. The next two weeks, I did 'mock pumping' with the saline solution and basically did what the machine told me to, except injected the way I normally had been doing.

April 24th and 25th we had friends, Keith, Tanya and their little boy Zachary come from Newfoundland to visit us. We had a nice couple of nights with them. Zachary is absolutely adorable! On the Saturday - April 26, Cory went to Port Elgin with Dario to help clean up their campsite and get it ready for the Summer months.

April 27th was exciting! Fredrick, my little brother was coming into town from Newfoundland to visit with us for 17 days! Unfortunately, I had just been getting over a cold when he arrived, and then I relapsed with a second one! Either way - I just coped best I could - felt a bit miserable the first few days, but after a while, I started to come back to myself.

On April 28th - it was my official hook up to the insulin pump. It was so nice to have my brother Freddy come with me. I thought it would be a great opportunity for him to see what I had to do to get the pump working on my body. Not only that, but since he is going to be a Primary/Elementary Physical Education teacher, I thought this would benefit him if he ever encountered a student with an insulin pump. He seemed interested in the whole process. And after that - his holidays began! We had such a great time. We went to Niagara Falls, a Blue Jays game in Toronto, took him to dinner at The Keg for his 25th birthday, and also managed to fit in a camping trip to Port Elgin for the night. Other than that, we spent time shopping or relaxing at home watching movies, playing darts, and spending some good quality time together. He left on May 14, and I was sad to see him go. I sure hope he comes back next year - we have been doing this for the last 3 years, and having him here to celebrate his birthday has been a great tradition.

In the midst of it all - On May 4th, I had finished my last day of work. I wasn't sure what was going to happen after that - but about a week before I finished work - I found out that the coworker I had been replacing that was on maternity leave, was now pregnant again!! So, my boss, Rob - called to tell me that I had a job again once she leaves in November to have her baby. I was quite excited by the news as the uncertainty and questions of where I would work next seemed to have been answered.

Well - the next two weeks or so after my brother left - I took time to catch up on a few things, had some quiet time with Cory and just relaxed as I was finished with work.

The rest of the time - which leads up to now - I will have to post in another entry.... (-; Stay tuned - I think you may be pleasantly surprised!

See you soon! Keeping my chin up!

Cindy