It's not often that I think about the day I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, or the events that followed afterward. It was just another day, in the life of somebody.
But, since Sunday, when I wrote the original post about how the day of my diagnosis went - I have had random thoughts just come out of nowhere. I guess by writing about my experience, I have sort of processed it more emotionally. I usually have always just taken it for what it was. I became a person with Diabetes. But that day was more than that. I became a child with adult responsibilities, very quickly.
Looking back, I remember everything pretty clearly. I didn't get to go home the day the blood work came back. My hospital stay was going to be indefinite. Being that I was from a small town, even the doctor on call at the time wasn't that familiar with Diabetes. My mother had to arrange to get my clothes brought to the hospital as this was going to be my new home for a while.
At the time of my diagnosis, I was 10 years of age, and I weighed 66 pounds. I remember the doctor saying that I was 19 pounds underweight. I had a thing called ketones spilling into my urine. At the time, I had no idea what ketones were. But, with everything that came with learning about Diabetes, I soon learned that ketones weren't a good thing. The goal was to have nothing show up on that urine test strip. Ketones are the waste product that is spilled into the urine when your body doesn't have enough energy and starts to burn fat in your body for that energy. It's not a good thing to have fat burning like this because your body thinks it's in a starvation state. Your body needs glucose to function, and insulin is the key to allowing glucose into your cells to give you energy. Without that key (insulin) into your cells, the glucose just piles up in the blood stream, resulting in high blood sugar. And without the glucose reaching your cells, the body must find another source of energy to support itself, so it burns fat for that energy, causing the waste product of ketones to occur.
I hope that made sense. In other words, too many ketones result in ketoacidosis, which is a life-threatening condition. So, I am thankful I was diagnosed when I was, or it could have gotten a lot more serious.
The next 17 days were spent in hospital. I spent the first 7 days in the one hospital I was diagnosed in, and the following 10 days were spent at the hospital I was transferred to. This hospital was more equipped with a Diabetes education centre and such to help get my Diabetes under control. I think my stay could have gone on for a few more days had I not begged the intern doctor to allow me to be discharged before my 11th birthday the next day. I was so excited to leave and go home.
And then my 'new' life began....
There are my few bits and pieces about that for today. It's just past midnight now, and I must get some rest.
Good Night :)
One day at a time....
Cindy
Saturday 18 September 2010
Tuesday 14 September 2010
Another definition for Diabetes!
It's nap time here in our household, and as I was carefully figuring out what to eat for my lunch, counting carbohydrates, etc. It hit me. Diabetes is a constant thinking game. Perhaps that's why I am such a deep individual. I have been trained to think all my life.
If you eat too much, and do not take enough insulin, your blood sugars go too high. If you eat too little, and take too much insulin, your blood sugars crash too low. So, Diabetes is, very simply put (but not simple by any means): Being accountable for every particle of food that enters your mouth.
And, to think that we now have the insulin pump. It sure does take the worry out of things when trying to find that fine balance of blood sugar. But wait, you must make the pump work for you also. So, in essence, the thinking game never stops. In the end though, I must say that I am probably a whole lot healthier now than what I would be at my age without Diabetes. I love my junk food, and the fact that Diabetes is always there with me, reminds me that everything must be in moderation.
Yes, I can still have my treats. I just have to count the carbohydrates. So, when grocery shopping and label reading, I am thankful for my knowledge on carbohydrates. Why? Well, there have been many times I have looked at a beautiful, moist, sticky cinnamon bun in it's packaging and was so ready to take it home with me, but then I read the label. The carbohydrates on some of those things are worth more in carbohydrates than a whole plate of pasta dinner with sauce! So, that's what stops me and I leave it on the shelf.
Being accountable. That's it. That's what keeps me in check with my Diabetes. Because, if I am not accountable, the Diabetes reminds me that it's still there. I choose. Feeling healthy, or feel miserable. What would you choose? Really, there is no choice, but to live the best quality life that you can with every day you are given. There are burnout days, yes. Those days come and go. It's normal to feel angry that you have been dealt this card. You know, the days where you don't care, don't want to have Diabetes, and just rebel a little, eat what you want, don't check your blood sugar, etc. And then, there are days like today where I am thankful that I know when to pull in my reigns and get back on the wagon. I want quality of life, and I want it for a long time. Nothing comes for free, and not without hard work. I apply myself the best way I know how. I want to see my son grow up with the eyesight I have been given, the kidneys that function within me, and the limbs that keep me moving. There's my choice, and I am happy with it.
Have a great day, and a little piece of advice learned from my 'School of Life'. Always be accountable for the choices you make in your Life. There will always be something to come back and remind you of the choice you made. Good or bad.
Remember, it's just one day at a time....and being right here, in this NOW moment is not so bad, is it? Smile....
Cindy
If you eat too much, and do not take enough insulin, your blood sugars go too high. If you eat too little, and take too much insulin, your blood sugars crash too low. So, Diabetes is, very simply put (but not simple by any means): Being accountable for every particle of food that enters your mouth.
And, to think that we now have the insulin pump. It sure does take the worry out of things when trying to find that fine balance of blood sugar. But wait, you must make the pump work for you also. So, in essence, the thinking game never stops. In the end though, I must say that I am probably a whole lot healthier now than what I would be at my age without Diabetes. I love my junk food, and the fact that Diabetes is always there with me, reminds me that everything must be in moderation.
Yes, I can still have my treats. I just have to count the carbohydrates. So, when grocery shopping and label reading, I am thankful for my knowledge on carbohydrates. Why? Well, there have been many times I have looked at a beautiful, moist, sticky cinnamon bun in it's packaging and was so ready to take it home with me, but then I read the label. The carbohydrates on some of those things are worth more in carbohydrates than a whole plate of pasta dinner with sauce! So, that's what stops me and I leave it on the shelf.
Being accountable. That's it. That's what keeps me in check with my Diabetes. Because, if I am not accountable, the Diabetes reminds me that it's still there. I choose. Feeling healthy, or feel miserable. What would you choose? Really, there is no choice, but to live the best quality life that you can with every day you are given. There are burnout days, yes. Those days come and go. It's normal to feel angry that you have been dealt this card. You know, the days where you don't care, don't want to have Diabetes, and just rebel a little, eat what you want, don't check your blood sugar, etc. And then, there are days like today where I am thankful that I know when to pull in my reigns and get back on the wagon. I want quality of life, and I want it for a long time. Nothing comes for free, and not without hard work. I apply myself the best way I know how. I want to see my son grow up with the eyesight I have been given, the kidneys that function within me, and the limbs that keep me moving. There's my choice, and I am happy with it.
Have a great day, and a little piece of advice learned from my 'School of Life'. Always be accountable for the choices you make in your Life. There will always be something to come back and remind you of the choice you made. Good or bad.
Remember, it's just one day at a time....and being right here, in this NOW moment is not so bad, is it? Smile....
Cindy
Sunday 12 September 2010
Happy Sunday!
Good Morning!
It is a late Sunday morning and we are still in the breakfast mode. My husband and I have finished our breakfast, and I am now sitting here watching my precious boy attempt to feed himself yogurt. He's doing so well, even if his face is looking like a canvas that has had a bunch of paint just splattered all over it!
Whoa, here goes another hot flash. Pardon me if I changed the subject quickly, but I am writing in the moment here. Yes, at age 34, I am suffering hot flashes already!
I often look at my life and I am so thankful for everything that I have been given. For everything I have been through earlier in my life, I believe the later half of my life will be even better.
I usually write about my living with a chronic illness, but have come to realize that I have never written about the actual day that my life changed forever.
Funny - it was a Sunday, at about this time of day. I remember it like it was yesterday. October 5, 1986 was going to be the day that I, at the age of 10, was going to take on, what I feel, is an adult responsibility.
It was 3 weeks before my 11th birthday and I had gone to church that morning with my Aunt Kathleen. Mass had just ended and I remember being in the pew waiting for everyone else to leave. I felt this wave come over me. First, it started in my ears. There was a sound, a buzzing noise, similar to that of bacon frying in a pan on high heat. I couldn't hear anything else over that frying noise. I remember thinking that this would pass and to just concentrate on getting out of the church. I don't remember saying anything to my Aunt at this point. I just didn't feel well and wanted out. I then remember walking slowly with the crowd down the aisle as the crowd stopped to greet the Priest and say their Sunday morning hellos to everyone. I do remember seeing a classmate of mine while we were slowly pouring out of the church, and she talked to me, I just nodded and smiled because something just wasn't right. By this time, I was starting to lose my sight. So now, with frying in my ears, a hot wave over me, and my sight going, I just kept focused on the light outside coming from the doors in the back of the church. I just needed to get out and get some air. By this time, I think my Aunt had clued in that something was just not right. The view through my eyes was fuzzy, just like when a station is off the air on television, or when you rub your eyes real hard and let go, for that split second, your eyes are a bit off. Well, my eyes were doing that, and just not letting up.
When I finally reached the outside, I thought I would be able to breathe. My Aunt clearly saw that something was wrong from the pale panicked look on my face. I told her I felt sick, like I was going to bring up. I didn't. But, I do not remember the walk from the top of the church steps to the car. I do remember getting into the car, and then feeling relieved to lay my head back on the seat. But, as I did, with my Aunt looking over me, my eyes began to roll back in my head. I was losing consciousness. I remember my Aunt slapping my face quickly and gently and talking to me to keep me conscious. Thankfully, I stayed with her, looked into her eyes, and managed to stay conscious.
After this, I seemed to come around a bit. We drove back to my Grandmother's house where she was serving a huge Sunday dinner with all the fixings. I laid on the couch with a cold cloth for a bit, then felt better and ate a huge plate of food..
It just so happened that I wasn't with my Mom at church that day because of some prior arrangement my Mom had that day. Looking back now, I am glad I wasn't with my Mom. I would hate to have had her see me like that.
I am assuming at this point that it was my Aunt who called my Mom to let her know what had happened to me. My Mother showed up to my Grandmother's house shortly thereafter. She told me to get ready as we were leaving to go to the hospital. I remember telling Mom that I now felt fine and there was no need to go. Thankfully, my Mom didn't listen to me, and she suggested that it be best that we go just to have me checked out.
We arrived at the hospital. I don't remember much about it except that they took some blood work and then I remember that it was a very long wait I just wanted to leave and go home.
Then the doctor came in, and I don't remember much about that conversation either. All I remember is him telling my Mother and I that my blood sugar was at 25 mmol and that I was Diabetic. At age 10, I didn't really understand that much, and what was involved, but I remember feeling pretty strong as my Mother fell apart. She cried and she cried. I remember having to pull her aside. I told her something to the effect of "Now, Mom, it's okay. I have this Diabetes thing, not you. I will be fine. You need to stop crying." As I look back on that, I feel amazed that at such a young age I could just pull it together like that.
So there you have it. There's the story of how I became a Type 1 Diabetic. I will probably continue with elaborating on a few things here and there, but will do that on another day.
In the meantime, I am approaching 24 years since that day. And, I have done it "complication free". So, life's not so bad. There's so much to be grateful for. What do YOU have to be grateful for?
Happy Sunday!
Cindy
It is a late Sunday morning and we are still in the breakfast mode. My husband and I have finished our breakfast, and I am now sitting here watching my precious boy attempt to feed himself yogurt. He's doing so well, even if his face is looking like a canvas that has had a bunch of paint just splattered all over it!
Whoa, here goes another hot flash. Pardon me if I changed the subject quickly, but I am writing in the moment here. Yes, at age 34, I am suffering hot flashes already!
I often look at my life and I am so thankful for everything that I have been given. For everything I have been through earlier in my life, I believe the later half of my life will be even better.
I usually write about my living with a chronic illness, but have come to realize that I have never written about the actual day that my life changed forever.
Funny - it was a Sunday, at about this time of day. I remember it like it was yesterday. October 5, 1986 was going to be the day that I, at the age of 10, was going to take on, what I feel, is an adult responsibility.
It was 3 weeks before my 11th birthday and I had gone to church that morning with my Aunt Kathleen. Mass had just ended and I remember being in the pew waiting for everyone else to leave. I felt this wave come over me. First, it started in my ears. There was a sound, a buzzing noise, similar to that of bacon frying in a pan on high heat. I couldn't hear anything else over that frying noise. I remember thinking that this would pass and to just concentrate on getting out of the church. I don't remember saying anything to my Aunt at this point. I just didn't feel well and wanted out. I then remember walking slowly with the crowd down the aisle as the crowd stopped to greet the Priest and say their Sunday morning hellos to everyone. I do remember seeing a classmate of mine while we were slowly pouring out of the church, and she talked to me, I just nodded and smiled because something just wasn't right. By this time, I was starting to lose my sight. So now, with frying in my ears, a hot wave over me, and my sight going, I just kept focused on the light outside coming from the doors in the back of the church. I just needed to get out and get some air. By this time, I think my Aunt had clued in that something was just not right. The view through my eyes was fuzzy, just like when a station is off the air on television, or when you rub your eyes real hard and let go, for that split second, your eyes are a bit off. Well, my eyes were doing that, and just not letting up.
When I finally reached the outside, I thought I would be able to breathe. My Aunt clearly saw that something was wrong from the pale panicked look on my face. I told her I felt sick, like I was going to bring up. I didn't. But, I do not remember the walk from the top of the church steps to the car. I do remember getting into the car, and then feeling relieved to lay my head back on the seat. But, as I did, with my Aunt looking over me, my eyes began to roll back in my head. I was losing consciousness. I remember my Aunt slapping my face quickly and gently and talking to me to keep me conscious. Thankfully, I stayed with her, looked into her eyes, and managed to stay conscious.
After this, I seemed to come around a bit. We drove back to my Grandmother's house where she was serving a huge Sunday dinner with all the fixings. I laid on the couch with a cold cloth for a bit, then felt better and ate a huge plate of food..
It just so happened that I wasn't with my Mom at church that day because of some prior arrangement my Mom had that day. Looking back now, I am glad I wasn't with my Mom. I would hate to have had her see me like that.
I am assuming at this point that it was my Aunt who called my Mom to let her know what had happened to me. My Mother showed up to my Grandmother's house shortly thereafter. She told me to get ready as we were leaving to go to the hospital. I remember telling Mom that I now felt fine and there was no need to go. Thankfully, my Mom didn't listen to me, and she suggested that it be best that we go just to have me checked out.
We arrived at the hospital. I don't remember much about it except that they took some blood work and then I remember that it was a very long wait I just wanted to leave and go home.
Then the doctor came in, and I don't remember much about that conversation either. All I remember is him telling my Mother and I that my blood sugar was at 25 mmol and that I was Diabetic. At age 10, I didn't really understand that much, and what was involved, but I remember feeling pretty strong as my Mother fell apart. She cried and she cried. I remember having to pull her aside. I told her something to the effect of "Now, Mom, it's okay. I have this Diabetes thing, not you. I will be fine. You need to stop crying." As I look back on that, I feel amazed that at such a young age I could just pull it together like that.
So there you have it. There's the story of how I became a Type 1 Diabetic. I will probably continue with elaborating on a few things here and there, but will do that on another day.
In the meantime, I am approaching 24 years since that day. And, I have done it "complication free". So, life's not so bad. There's so much to be grateful for. What do YOU have to be grateful for?
Happy Sunday!
Cindy
Friday 10 September 2010
One day closer to healthy! :)
Today is beautiful. I am sitting here while my boy naps and it is very sunny out. The clouds look like cotton balls against a beautiful blue sky.
I have just finished downloading my insulin pump once again. As silly as it is, when I put the effort into making the adjustments needed to getting my blood sugars to where they should be, I find myself getting excited to see the graphs each time I download. Because, I know I am on my way to being healthier. I may have only started to once again dedicate myself to this four days ago, but already I am seeing results!
I think about the fact that I have come such a long way in the soon-to-be 24 years that I have had Diabetes. Being on the insulin pump was probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. Going from 4 to 6 needles a day to one every 3 to 4 days is wonderful. You still have to put the work into it, although, there are less holes in me now! ;)
My adjustments yesterday seem to have caused my post meal blood sugars to be a little on the higher side today, therefore causing me to have a bit of fatigue. So, I will go for now - I thought that I would get a little more written, but it seems that my body is telling me to rest while the boy is down. Perhaps another day I can explain a little more about the adjustments I am making so I will feel much better. But, like I said, I know this is just a minor setback and I am on my way.
I am determined to get things in order so that we may have our wish.....Hope.
Take care,
Cindy
I have just finished downloading my insulin pump once again. As silly as it is, when I put the effort into making the adjustments needed to getting my blood sugars to where they should be, I find myself getting excited to see the graphs each time I download. Because, I know I am on my way to being healthier. I may have only started to once again dedicate myself to this four days ago, but already I am seeing results!
I think about the fact that I have come such a long way in the soon-to-be 24 years that I have had Diabetes. Being on the insulin pump was probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. Going from 4 to 6 needles a day to one every 3 to 4 days is wonderful. You still have to put the work into it, although, there are less holes in me now! ;)
My adjustments yesterday seem to have caused my post meal blood sugars to be a little on the higher side today, therefore causing me to have a bit of fatigue. So, I will go for now - I thought that I would get a little more written, but it seems that my body is telling me to rest while the boy is down. Perhaps another day I can explain a little more about the adjustments I am making so I will feel much better. But, like I said, I know this is just a minor setback and I am on my way.
I am determined to get things in order so that we may have our wish.....Hope.
Take care,
Cindy
Wednesday 8 September 2010
Another year has passed/ more health stuff.... It's 2010, almost 2011!
Okay, so I do admit - I am not your typical everyday blogger. I am not great at keeping things up on a regular basis, but I do find it very fascinating at how I wander in here when things are on my mind. I guess you can call this my safe haven to go to when I want to get things off my chest.
I am sitting here watching my son playing, and drinking a cup of green tea. Yes, green tea. My
Day 2 of this latest phase.
I will cut to the chase. My health is doing a doozy once again. And rather than whine about it, I will write about it, because all in all, I do have faith that in the end, everything will work out the way it is supposed to.
I am enjoying being the mother of a 19 month old boy. He is my world - well, I do have my other 'furbabies' as well! Eddie, our Labradoodle, and Grey, our cat. My Husband is still as wonderful as ever. He is working right now as I am home with our boy. I will be working this evening. I am currently working as a personal care attendant and enjoy my job. Life has been keeping us quite busy with all that parenthood has to offer. We always pictured two children in our lives. I know this because, since 2003, we have had their names picked out. James, and Hope. James now exists.....Hope, well, that's another story.....but it's about 'hope'.
Recently, I had to go for my regular blood work that I do quarterly, or more regularly if there are any concerns. I actually had taken my son to get his 18 month needles in July 2010, and I quickly asked the doctor if it would be okay for me to ask him a question about my health. I was already aware that I had Premature Ovarian Failure as per my 2008 diagnosis but just thought I should mention that I hadn't had a menstrual period in 4 months and knew I wasn't pregnant. I just wanted to make sure that there would be no other reason for concern, so off I went with more paperwork out the door. The one piece of paper was a requisition for a pelvic ultrasound, and the other piece was for blood work. He wanted to know how my hormone levels were doing after I explained the fact that I could be now entering perimenopause. As I walked out the door, I knew that these two pieces of paper were not just that. This was going to start a whole new frenzy in my life, and bring feelings and decisions to the table that I was not ready for.
You see, in my mind, I try to forget the fact that James is our miracle baby. I pretend that I got pregnant because I am a strong, fertile, 34 year old woman with just a couple health issues such as Type 1 Diabetes, and Hypothyroidism. But in reality, I have Autoimmune Disease, and slowly, and unknowingly, my body attacks itself. I just don't know what part of my body will be the next victim to be attacked and shut down. So in 2008, after vigorous testing, I was told by a fertility specialist that, Yes, I have Premature Ovarian Failure. My ovaries are shutting down, and apparently, within 3 years, I will be in full blown menopause. That 3 year window would bring us to 2011, which is really now only 6 months away from my diagnosis anniversary....
So, back to the blood work. I had my regular follow up with my General Practitioner and I knew that things weren't going to be good, but didn't prepare myself for the emotions that would follow. I was very strong in my appointment, informing her that I know I have Premature Ovarian Failure, and that I only had an 8 to 10% chance of having James, and that I feel blessed that I did get to have the one baby and I would be okay with that if I could not have any more. She then told me that my hormone levels were very high - my FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) is in the 50's which indicates that of a woman that has been ovariectomized. (In plain terms - ovaries have been removed) I knew that in 2008, I only had 3 follicles left on my right ovary, and my left was "quiet". At my age, I should have 15 follicles on each ovary. Follicles are what hold the eggs until they are ready to be released (also known as ovulation) So, in my case, right now, I don't even know if there are any eggs left. So, no, fertility drugs cannot help me. Drugs such as Clomid, are drugs that drive the ovaries to release an egg. In my case, there are no eggs to release, so really, no point in fertility drugs. I asked my GP what my time frame was if I were considering having another child. She hesitantly said "6 months". I said "Maybe a year?" She agreed with me...again, hesitantly.
The following day, August 19, I then had an appointment with my Endocrinologist. Oddly enough, all this blood work was completed at the right time as I only get to see my Endocrinologist every 3 to 6 months. She is a very busy lady! We had a great talk. As I already knew the results from my tests, I was now struggling with the decision to go ahead and try to have another baby. What I struggle with is the fact that I do know I want a second child. It's just that with a Diabetic pregnancy, there is a lot of work involved and I wasn't ready to do that work until after May of 2011. I also am concerned about financially deciding to go for a second. I asked my doctor for both her personal and professional opinions. Her personal opinion was to go ahead and just try, and let the universe decide what is supposed to be for me. I then asked her for her professional opinion of what my time frame was, as Endocrine medicine is her specialty. Her response was, "6 months ago, Cindy". Wow...so in other words, I may not ever get pregnant again.
Now I am in the processing part of the emotions. I am not sure how to feel. I know I am supposed to be grateful for the one child that I was blessed with. And I am. The other part of me feels like the picture is incomplete. Hope is supposed to exist, and I may have blown that chance. So, since August 19, I have thought about it, talked about it with various people, cried about it, felt disappointed, and confused because I do not know what I want. My body is deciding a time frame for me, and my mind is not ready for it. But, if I wait, I could lose this small window of opportunity.
So with that, there were other tests ordered for me such as my ECG, a stress test, and I had to wear a Holter monitor for 48 hours to get a record of my heart. I had a baseline done in 2007 as they do with most diabetics, and from there, as the years pass, they can do comparisons in any changes that may lead to Heart Disease. I did well in my stress test. In 2007, I lasted 10 minutes, 27 seconds. This time, I lasted 30 seconds longer - 11 minutes, 7 seconds. So, 3 years older, 1 child later, 20 lbs heavier, I am more fit! I guess chasing around a toddler helps! ha ha
Now that I have all that testing done, and the Summer is pretty much over, I have gotten all the drinks by the pool, and in the pool, out of my system. I feel it is time for a change. I have rebelled long enough. The heavy regimented everything that I did when I was pregnant resulted in a healthy baby boy, but afterward, I needed to relax for a bit. I think I suffered a little Diabetes burnout. Well, taking care of a toddler helps you forget about yourself quickly also!
James is 19 months old, and things are beginning to get a bit easier now. So, I have decided to get myself a laptop that has a 32 bit operating system. Why? Well, it's compatible with the USB that downloads my insulin pump. These graphs and data are the key to getting my Diabetes back into control. It's been 2 days now, I have been recording my blood sugars, counting my carbohydrates carefully, and downloading my pump. I have cut out mostly all alcohol, except for 1 scattered beer here and there with a few chips as a treat, but other than that, the next thing to cut out would be the caffeine.
I have found myself wandering around fertility sites, so really, I guess I know what my answer is. I just don't want to get my hopes up too high, only to be disappointed. I have read several things, but the two things that I am trying are zinc, and green tea. Apparently, it increases fertility. I am no doctor. I am just trying to lead a healthier lifestyle. My concerns are that my last Hemoglobin A1C was at 8.2 - that's nowhere near where is should be if I were to get pregnant. And, I also wasn't taking my Folic Acid (prenatal) vitamins until August 20 (our fifth Wedding Anniversary).
During my stress test, I asked my Endocrinologist if I should be concerned about this. She basically told me that ideally, 3 months with Folic Acid, and tightly controlled sugars are what I need for a pregnancy, but with my short window of time due to the Premature Ovarian Failure, my impression from her was that in a roundabout way, she told me to go for it. We will deal with whatever happens, when it happens.
So, that leads me to September 6th - I have consciously made the decision, as scared as I am to try to get my sugars in gear, immediately, and eat more healthy, drink a ton of water, take my zinc pills, my prenatal vitamins, download my insulin pump and make the proper adjustments to get things in line....for whatever is meant to happen. It may never happen, but if I just let this window pass me by, I will look back and wonder, "What if?" And, I know I will have regrets. So, I will try my best to do what I can for my health and know that possibly, just possibly, if there is one egg left in my ovaries, it will be released, and I will get my second child. Hope. Appropriately named, isn't she? Well, I will take whatever I can get, and would be just as thrilled with another baby boy. The only thing is - I used all the namesakes up on my first boy...ha ha. A very minor problem. And, as my Endocrinologist said, during a tense moment for me...."The best way to prepare yourself for pregnancy, is to get pregnant!" She made me laugh.
The pump adjustments are going well - a few highs and lows here and there, but I know I am on my way because I am putting the effort into it. These adjustments make me quite tired due to the fluctuating blood sugars, but in the end, I will be healthier for it.
All in all - I am scared, but I have to just believe and trust that everything will work itself out in the end. Stressing about it won't help. I will stay relaxed and believe that I will get to see my second child in the next year or so. It's going to be a busy and complicated journey, but I am ready. I really am scared.....
Hopefully, this time, I will be able to blog more. It's easier now that I am on the main level of the house watching my beautiful boy while he is playing. Pre-laptop, it was more difficult.
I feel much better, almost exhausted, to have released all of this into my blog. It's like a pressure cooker building. If I do not do something positive with it, I will just get eaten alive by my emotions.
One day at a time.
Cindy
I am sitting here watching my son playing, and drinking a cup of green tea. Yes, green tea. My
Day 2 of this latest phase.
I will cut to the chase. My health is doing a doozy once again. And rather than whine about it, I will write about it, because all in all, I do have faith that in the end, everything will work out the way it is supposed to.
I am enjoying being the mother of a 19 month old boy. He is my world - well, I do have my other 'furbabies' as well! Eddie, our Labradoodle, and Grey, our cat. My Husband is still as wonderful as ever. He is working right now as I am home with our boy. I will be working this evening. I am currently working as a personal care attendant and enjoy my job. Life has been keeping us quite busy with all that parenthood has to offer. We always pictured two children in our lives. I know this because, since 2003, we have had their names picked out. James, and Hope. James now exists.....Hope, well, that's another story.....but it's about 'hope'.
Recently, I had to go for my regular blood work that I do quarterly, or more regularly if there are any concerns. I actually had taken my son to get his 18 month needles in July 2010, and I quickly asked the doctor if it would be okay for me to ask him a question about my health. I was already aware that I had Premature Ovarian Failure as per my 2008 diagnosis but just thought I should mention that I hadn't had a menstrual period in 4 months and knew I wasn't pregnant. I just wanted to make sure that there would be no other reason for concern, so off I went with more paperwork out the door. The one piece of paper was a requisition for a pelvic ultrasound, and the other piece was for blood work. He wanted to know how my hormone levels were doing after I explained the fact that I could be now entering perimenopause. As I walked out the door, I knew that these two pieces of paper were not just that. This was going to start a whole new frenzy in my life, and bring feelings and decisions to the table that I was not ready for.
You see, in my mind, I try to forget the fact that James is our miracle baby. I pretend that I got pregnant because I am a strong, fertile, 34 year old woman with just a couple health issues such as Type 1 Diabetes, and Hypothyroidism. But in reality, I have Autoimmune Disease, and slowly, and unknowingly, my body attacks itself. I just don't know what part of my body will be the next victim to be attacked and shut down. So in 2008, after vigorous testing, I was told by a fertility specialist that, Yes, I have Premature Ovarian Failure. My ovaries are shutting down, and apparently, within 3 years, I will be in full blown menopause. That 3 year window would bring us to 2011, which is really now only 6 months away from my diagnosis anniversary....
So, back to the blood work. I had my regular follow up with my General Practitioner and I knew that things weren't going to be good, but didn't prepare myself for the emotions that would follow. I was very strong in my appointment, informing her that I know I have Premature Ovarian Failure, and that I only had an 8 to 10% chance of having James, and that I feel blessed that I did get to have the one baby and I would be okay with that if I could not have any more. She then told me that my hormone levels were very high - my FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) is in the 50's which indicates that of a woman that has been ovariectomized. (In plain terms - ovaries have been removed) I knew that in 2008, I only had 3 follicles left on my right ovary, and my left was "quiet". At my age, I should have 15 follicles on each ovary. Follicles are what hold the eggs until they are ready to be released (also known as ovulation) So, in my case, right now, I don't even know if there are any eggs left. So, no, fertility drugs cannot help me. Drugs such as Clomid, are drugs that drive the ovaries to release an egg. In my case, there are no eggs to release, so really, no point in fertility drugs. I asked my GP what my time frame was if I were considering having another child. She hesitantly said "6 months". I said "Maybe a year?" She agreed with me...again, hesitantly.
The following day, August 19, I then had an appointment with my Endocrinologist. Oddly enough, all this blood work was completed at the right time as I only get to see my Endocrinologist every 3 to 6 months. She is a very busy lady! We had a great talk. As I already knew the results from my tests, I was now struggling with the decision to go ahead and try to have another baby. What I struggle with is the fact that I do know I want a second child. It's just that with a Diabetic pregnancy, there is a lot of work involved and I wasn't ready to do that work until after May of 2011. I also am concerned about financially deciding to go for a second. I asked my doctor for both her personal and professional opinions. Her personal opinion was to go ahead and just try, and let the universe decide what is supposed to be for me. I then asked her for her professional opinion of what my time frame was, as Endocrine medicine is her specialty. Her response was, "6 months ago, Cindy". Wow...so in other words, I may not ever get pregnant again.
Now I am in the processing part of the emotions. I am not sure how to feel. I know I am supposed to be grateful for the one child that I was blessed with. And I am. The other part of me feels like the picture is incomplete. Hope is supposed to exist, and I may have blown that chance. So, since August 19, I have thought about it, talked about it with various people, cried about it, felt disappointed, and confused because I do not know what I want. My body is deciding a time frame for me, and my mind is not ready for it. But, if I wait, I could lose this small window of opportunity.
So with that, there were other tests ordered for me such as my ECG, a stress test, and I had to wear a Holter monitor for 48 hours to get a record of my heart. I had a baseline done in 2007 as they do with most diabetics, and from there, as the years pass, they can do comparisons in any changes that may lead to Heart Disease. I did well in my stress test. In 2007, I lasted 10 minutes, 27 seconds. This time, I lasted 30 seconds longer - 11 minutes, 7 seconds. So, 3 years older, 1 child later, 20 lbs heavier, I am more fit! I guess chasing around a toddler helps! ha ha
Now that I have all that testing done, and the Summer is pretty much over, I have gotten all the drinks by the pool, and in the pool, out of my system. I feel it is time for a change. I have rebelled long enough. The heavy regimented everything that I did when I was pregnant resulted in a healthy baby boy, but afterward, I needed to relax for a bit. I think I suffered a little Diabetes burnout. Well, taking care of a toddler helps you forget about yourself quickly also!
James is 19 months old, and things are beginning to get a bit easier now. So, I have decided to get myself a laptop that has a 32 bit operating system. Why? Well, it's compatible with the USB that downloads my insulin pump. These graphs and data are the key to getting my Diabetes back into control. It's been 2 days now, I have been recording my blood sugars, counting my carbohydrates carefully, and downloading my pump. I have cut out mostly all alcohol, except for 1 scattered beer here and there with a few chips as a treat, but other than that, the next thing to cut out would be the caffeine.
I have found myself wandering around fertility sites, so really, I guess I know what my answer is. I just don't want to get my hopes up too high, only to be disappointed. I have read several things, but the two things that I am trying are zinc, and green tea. Apparently, it increases fertility. I am no doctor. I am just trying to lead a healthier lifestyle. My concerns are that my last Hemoglobin A1C was at 8.2 - that's nowhere near where is should be if I were to get pregnant. And, I also wasn't taking my Folic Acid (prenatal) vitamins until August 20 (our fifth Wedding Anniversary).
During my stress test, I asked my Endocrinologist if I should be concerned about this. She basically told me that ideally, 3 months with Folic Acid, and tightly controlled sugars are what I need for a pregnancy, but with my short window of time due to the Premature Ovarian Failure, my impression from her was that in a roundabout way, she told me to go for it. We will deal with whatever happens, when it happens.
So, that leads me to September 6th - I have consciously made the decision, as scared as I am to try to get my sugars in gear, immediately, and eat more healthy, drink a ton of water, take my zinc pills, my prenatal vitamins, download my insulin pump and make the proper adjustments to get things in line....for whatever is meant to happen. It may never happen, but if I just let this window pass me by, I will look back and wonder, "What if?" And, I know I will have regrets. So, I will try my best to do what I can for my health and know that possibly, just possibly, if there is one egg left in my ovaries, it will be released, and I will get my second child. Hope. Appropriately named, isn't she? Well, I will take whatever I can get, and would be just as thrilled with another baby boy. The only thing is - I used all the namesakes up on my first boy...ha ha. A very minor problem. And, as my Endocrinologist said, during a tense moment for me...."The best way to prepare yourself for pregnancy, is to get pregnant!" She made me laugh.
The pump adjustments are going well - a few highs and lows here and there, but I know I am on my way because I am putting the effort into it. These adjustments make me quite tired due to the fluctuating blood sugars, but in the end, I will be healthier for it.
All in all - I am scared, but I have to just believe and trust that everything will work itself out in the end. Stressing about it won't help. I will stay relaxed and believe that I will get to see my second child in the next year or so. It's going to be a busy and complicated journey, but I am ready. I really am scared.....
Hopefully, this time, I will be able to blog more. It's easier now that I am on the main level of the house watching my beautiful boy while he is playing. Pre-laptop, it was more difficult.
I feel much better, almost exhausted, to have released all of this into my blog. It's like a pressure cooker building. If I do not do something positive with it, I will just get eaten alive by my emotions.
One day at a time.
Cindy
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