Okay, so I do admit - I am not your typical everyday blogger. I am not great at keeping things up on a regular basis, but I do find it very fascinating at how I wander in here when things are on my mind. I guess you can call this my safe haven to go to when I want to get things off my chest.
I am sitting here watching my son playing, and drinking a cup of green tea. Yes, green tea. My
Day 2 of this latest phase.
I will cut to the chase. My health is doing a doozy once again. And rather than whine about it, I will write about it, because all in all, I do have faith that in the end, everything will work out the way it is supposed to.
I am enjoying being the mother of a 19 month old boy. He is my world - well, I do have my other 'furbabies' as well! Eddie, our Labradoodle, and Grey, our cat. My Husband is still as wonderful as ever. He is working right now as I am home with our boy. I will be working this evening. I am currently working as a personal care attendant and enjoy my job. Life has been keeping us quite busy with all that parenthood has to offer. We always pictured two children in our lives. I know this because, since 2003, we have had their names picked out. James, and Hope. James now exists.....Hope, well, that's another story.....but it's about 'hope'.
Recently, I had to go for my regular blood work that I do quarterly, or more regularly if there are any concerns. I actually had taken my son to get his 18 month needles in July 2010, and I quickly asked the doctor if it would be okay for me to ask him a question about my health. I was already aware that I had Premature Ovarian Failure as per my 2008 diagnosis but just thought I should mention that I hadn't had a menstrual period in 4 months and knew I wasn't pregnant. I just wanted to make sure that there would be no other reason for concern, so off I went with more paperwork out the door. The one piece of paper was a requisition for a pelvic ultrasound, and the other piece was for blood work. He wanted to know how my hormone levels were doing after I explained the fact that I could be now entering perimenopause. As I walked out the door, I knew that these two pieces of paper were not just that. This was going to start a whole new frenzy in my life, and bring feelings and decisions to the table that I was not ready for.
You see, in my mind, I try to forget the fact that James is our miracle baby. I pretend that I got pregnant because I am a strong, fertile, 34 year old woman with just a couple health issues such as Type 1 Diabetes, and Hypothyroidism. But in reality, I have Autoimmune Disease, and slowly, and unknowingly, my body attacks itself. I just don't know what part of my body will be the next victim to be attacked and shut down. So in 2008, after vigorous testing, I was told by a fertility specialist that, Yes, I have Premature Ovarian Failure. My ovaries are shutting down, and apparently, within 3 years, I will be in full blown menopause. That 3 year window would bring us to 2011, which is really now only 6 months away from my diagnosis anniversary....
So, back to the blood work. I had my regular follow up with my General Practitioner and I knew that things weren't going to be good, but didn't prepare myself for the emotions that would follow. I was very strong in my appointment, informing her that I know I have Premature Ovarian Failure, and that I only had an 8 to 10% chance of having James, and that I feel blessed that I did get to have the one baby and I would be okay with that if I could not have any more. She then told me that my hormone levels were very high - my FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) is in the 50's which indicates that of a woman that has been ovariectomized. (In plain terms - ovaries have been removed) I knew that in 2008, I only had 3 follicles left on my right ovary, and my left was "quiet". At my age, I should have 15 follicles on each ovary. Follicles are what hold the eggs until they are ready to be released (also known as ovulation) So, in my case, right now, I don't even know if there are any eggs left. So, no, fertility drugs cannot help me. Drugs such as Clomid, are drugs that drive the ovaries to release an egg. In my case, there are no eggs to release, so really, no point in fertility drugs. I asked my GP what my time frame was if I were considering having another child. She hesitantly said "6 months". I said "Maybe a year?" She agreed with me...again, hesitantly.
The following day, August 19, I then had an appointment with my Endocrinologist. Oddly enough, all this blood work was completed at the right time as I only get to see my Endocrinologist every 3 to 6 months. She is a very busy lady! We had a great talk. As I already knew the results from my tests, I was now struggling with the decision to go ahead and try to have another baby. What I struggle with is the fact that I do know I want a second child. It's just that with a Diabetic pregnancy, there is a lot of work involved and I wasn't ready to do that work until after May of 2011. I also am concerned about financially deciding to go for a second. I asked my doctor for both her personal and professional opinions. Her personal opinion was to go ahead and just try, and let the universe decide what is supposed to be for me. I then asked her for her professional opinion of what my time frame was, as Endocrine medicine is her specialty. Her response was, "6 months ago, Cindy". Wow...so in other words, I may not ever get pregnant again.
Now I am in the processing part of the emotions. I am not sure how to feel. I know I am supposed to be grateful for the one child that I was blessed with. And I am. The other part of me feels like the picture is incomplete. Hope is supposed to exist, and I may have blown that chance. So, since August 19, I have thought about it, talked about it with various people, cried about it, felt disappointed, and confused because I do not know what I want. My body is deciding a time frame for me, and my mind is not ready for it. But, if I wait, I could lose this small window of opportunity.
So with that, there were other tests ordered for me such as my ECG, a stress test, and I had to wear a Holter monitor for 48 hours to get a record of my heart. I had a baseline done in 2007 as they do with most diabetics, and from there, as the years pass, they can do comparisons in any changes that may lead to Heart Disease. I did well in my stress test. In 2007, I lasted 10 minutes, 27 seconds. This time, I lasted 30 seconds longer - 11 minutes, 7 seconds. So, 3 years older, 1 child later, 20 lbs heavier, I am more fit! I guess chasing around a toddler helps! ha ha
Now that I have all that testing done, and the Summer is pretty much over, I have gotten all the drinks by the pool, and in the pool, out of my system. I feel it is time for a change. I have rebelled long enough. The heavy regimented everything that I did when I was pregnant resulted in a healthy baby boy, but afterward, I needed to relax for a bit. I think I suffered a little Diabetes burnout. Well, taking care of a toddler helps you forget about yourself quickly also!
James is 19 months old, and things are beginning to get a bit easier now. So, I have decided to get myself a laptop that has a 32 bit operating system. Why? Well, it's compatible with the USB that downloads my insulin pump. These graphs and data are the key to getting my Diabetes back into control. It's been 2 days now, I have been recording my blood sugars, counting my carbohydrates carefully, and downloading my pump. I have cut out mostly all alcohol, except for 1 scattered beer here and there with a few chips as a treat, but other than that, the next thing to cut out would be the caffeine.
I have found myself wandering around fertility sites, so really, I guess I know what my answer is. I just don't want to get my hopes up too high, only to be disappointed. I have read several things, but the two things that I am trying are zinc, and green tea. Apparently, it increases fertility. I am no doctor. I am just trying to lead a healthier lifestyle. My concerns are that my last Hemoglobin A1C was at 8.2 - that's nowhere near where is should be if I were to get pregnant. And, I also wasn't taking my Folic Acid (prenatal) vitamins until August 20 (our fifth Wedding Anniversary).
During my stress test, I asked my Endocrinologist if I should be concerned about this. She basically told me that ideally, 3 months with Folic Acid, and tightly controlled sugars are what I need for a pregnancy, but with my short window of time due to the Premature Ovarian Failure, my impression from her was that in a roundabout way, she told me to go for it. We will deal with whatever happens, when it happens.
So, that leads me to September 6th - I have consciously made the decision, as scared as I am to try to get my sugars in gear, immediately, and eat more healthy, drink a ton of water, take my zinc pills, my prenatal vitamins, download my insulin pump and make the proper adjustments to get things in line....for whatever is meant to happen. It may never happen, but if I just let this window pass me by, I will look back and wonder, "What if?" And, I know I will have regrets. So, I will try my best to do what I can for my health and know that possibly, just possibly, if there is one egg left in my ovaries, it will be released, and I will get my second child. Hope. Appropriately named, isn't she? Well, I will take whatever I can get, and would be just as thrilled with another baby boy. The only thing is - I used all the namesakes up on my first boy...ha ha. A very minor problem. And, as my Endocrinologist said, during a tense moment for me...."The best way to prepare yourself for pregnancy, is to get pregnant!" She made me laugh.
The pump adjustments are going well - a few highs and lows here and there, but I know I am on my way because I am putting the effort into it. These adjustments make me quite tired due to the fluctuating blood sugars, but in the end, I will be healthier for it.
All in all - I am scared, but I have to just believe and trust that everything will work itself out in the end. Stressing about it won't help. I will stay relaxed and believe that I will get to see my second child in the next year or so. It's going to be a busy and complicated journey, but I am ready. I really am scared.....
Hopefully, this time, I will be able to blog more. It's easier now that I am on the main level of the house watching my beautiful boy while he is playing. Pre-laptop, it was more difficult.
I feel much better, almost exhausted, to have released all of this into my blog. It's like a pressure cooker building. If I do not do something positive with it, I will just get eaten alive by my emotions.
One day at a time.
Cindy
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