I'm BAAAACK!
It always seems as though this time of year, with the wet, cold snow outside, that I begin to think about things from a different perspective. I drop by sometimes to read some old posts as I find it serves as a motivator for my general overall emotional and physical health. I suppose that having an almost 3 year old that is past the baby phase helps to have more time here as well. One of the main things that I find I must remain conscious of is finding my balance, and keeping it. Not saying I am successful at it - but I sure do try. But, nothing is perfect. Nothing ever is...that's just a part of life. Once you are able to accept that part, then everything is great!
So, I must confess - and a warning to all that find some things just TMI (Too much information) - use the exit door now :)
This past year, I have put a lot of work into myself by working on acceptance. It is a constant work in progress as there are always some sort of curve ball that Life will throw at you. The fact is, I was beginning to really accept that I was, as the fertility specialist said I would, entering full blown menopause due to my premature ovarian failure. My LMP was January 11, 2011. I did not cycle all year. So, I am not so sure if it was just that I was running out of hope, or if it was just blatantly clear to me that we were not meant to have another child, and I was starting to somewhat seem okay with that.
I went to see a new Endocrinologist on December 5, 2011. I spent almost 2 hours in her office discussing all 3 of my autoimmune disorders. I left there with the normal prescriptions, blood work requisitions, and suggestions of what to do next with things that were concerning me. The one thing that stuck out in my mind was the fact that my doctor now wanted to discuss the option of going on Hormone Replacement Therapy. I left there feeling, well, not sure really. I just know that immediately I was like "no, uh uh, no way, not yet, not ME". I just wasn't ready to admit to myself that I am now on the 'full blown menopausal train'. I guess what I had done all year was just swept it under the rug while all other parts of life scattered over it like the first fresh snow of the year - just enough to blanket everything to a stand still, and then leave a chill in the air.
Mid December, I started to experience pain in my lower abdomen. Weird pain, like that of contractions when you are first induced in pregnancy with gel. The pain went on for at least 4 to 5 days when my husband said, "You should really go see the doctor about this". Then, one of those days, I was presenting symptoms as though I was ovulating. I thought that it just could not be. It's been 11 months since my LMP. But, I did say to my husband - "I think it is possible. Should we have a baby?" Of course, at that point, his answer was "No". I could understand his trepidation, as I certainly wasn't ready either. This discussion was something that had just been put up on the 'shelf' and gathered a lot of dust, as we both were beginning to just accept our life as a family of three. And, because of my denial that it could even be possible, I scheduled a doctor appointment just to be on the safe side. I wanted to rule out any possibility that this pain could be a kidney or bladder infection. So, when I went to visit the doctor, she ordered a pelvic ultrasound.
The end of December came, and I was due to go get an ultrasound on my thyroid as well. I woke up to get ready for my appointment, when lo and behold. AF was here! I was 12 days short of 1 year without cycling. I have never been so delighted to have AF arrive. It was kind of a relief, but since that, I am so confused with emotion now.
Here it is, almost a month later, and I am on the Roller Coaster again, so to speak. Hubby and I have since had the talk. Time is not of the essence for us. If we want to have another child, we must do so when the opportunity presents itself again. I am going through the feelings of regret that we missed an opportunity. I feel scared because my mind sometimes visits the 'what ifs', like What if that was the very last egg I had, and my chances are now gone. Must I go through all the emotional work again to begin accepting us as a family of three again? I mean, I know what I have been blessed with, but tell that to my maternal instinct. I just feel as though I am not done, yet. My Endocrinologist still wants me on HRT, and I know that she looks at me as some person in denial when I say to her, "No, I am not ready for Hormone Replacement yet. I ovulated once, and my body will do it again. I just feel as though I am not done....and with all your statistics, I will be the ONE. The one person that will defy the odds and be that miracle person." Most days I feel that way, but I must admit, my hopes are dwindling. I am not experiencing any of those ovulation symptoms this month, and I know it isn't going to be easy, but I am just not ready to admit defeat. Something tells me I am supposed to have another child.
I ask myself if I am crazy to want to go through all the health check ups again, all the physical changes that it brings with having another child, but I feel like this is my last chance. It's this year, or it's over. And then I look at my son, and where he is at now - and it all becomes so clear - it is worth it, to me.
So, this is my agenda. This past month, I have been working really hard at going within to find peace in myself. No stress. I have my thyroid now in normal range, this month. I have had my eye check up as a base line picture just in case pregnancy occurs. I have been working really hard at getting my blood sugars within a very good range. I have been taking prenatal vitamins since December 20, 2011, I started taking calcium supplements, and vitamin D and extra iron. I also started eating grapefruit again. I ate a lot of that before getting pregnant with my son. I know my estrogen levels are on the low side and my FSH levels are around 100, so I am eating anything with a hope of having some extra estrogen in my system without hormone replacement therapy. I am drinking more water than I have, I have cut back my coffee by half. You know the saying, "Fake it 'til you make it". Well, I am getting my body ready....despite what the doctors say. I have to do this so I can honestly say "I tried". Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I am scared, scared I will fail, again. But, one thing I know - things happen when they are supposed to. So, if it's not this month, next month, or next year - I just have to be okay with that. It doesn't mean I am there at this moment, but I will get there, if I have to. And the emotional upheaval of taking this topic back off the shelf and dusting it off throws me into feelings I haven't had to address for a while now. I really hope that it will be worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ
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