It's a rainy day here, and I am feeling better today than I have been in the last couple of days. Partly because I have chosen to take some of my emotions that I haven't fully dealt with, and have put them 'up on the shelf' for a little bit. Not necessarily to gather dust, but to give myself a well needed break from feeling the emotions that sometimes make me terribly sad. It's a constant work in progress, working with a roller coaster of emotions. Knowing when to feel it, and when to give yourself a break from those intense feelings is the only thing I can recommend when going through chronic disease.
I went to the Endocrinologist yesterday. The one appointment that seems to stir me up in all sorts of directions. I got through it, and here I am. :) As I sat in the waiting room with my 3 year old, I tried to relax. I normally would go to an appointment like this alone, but with family living across country, and not having a 'village' to help raise my child, he mostly comes with me for my appointments. If not for these appointments, my little guy would not be here. Pregnancy and Diabetes is dedication, summed up in a word.
This was it. Again, the last couple of months had passed so quickly, and we waited patiently to see the doctor. While I drew pictures of elephants and tigers, and cats and dogs for my son, thoughts ran through my head on what the magic number aka hemoglobin A1C was going to be today. Was it going to be enough to make me feel happy? Was it going to be enough to not get me so disappointed that my numbers would creep up again due to my feeling failure in my diabetes work? Was it simply just going to be enough? At that moment, I had to decide that any improvement was going to be a step in the right direction. So that's what I did.
Once we were called in to her office, I parked my son in his stroller in the regular spot where he takes up shop while I chat with the doc. I quickly pulled out his portable DVD player so he could occupy himself while my meeting with the doctor was underway. Then I sat in the chair next to her desk with my big red binder. The binder is my 'life story' of sorts. I keep copies of every blood test, take notes of recommendations, and print outs of my reports from my insulin pump data inside -You would think I was the 'good little diabetic' with this organization ha ha. Well, in order to feel some sort of control with something like my body that's not so easy to control, I guess having an organized binder helps, or at least I make myself think that. :)
It was the moment. The anticipation was too much, so the little bit of chatter that we exchanged the first minute or two while sitting there is now a distant memory. I asked her how my A1C was. Knowing that my previous two A1C's were 9.3% and 9.1%, I was hoping for a good number, in the sevens. I earned it. I worked for it. She said "7.9", and then took another breath to say something else. I interrupted with my excitement. I felt ecstatic. I said "Really? 7.9?" and I smiled the biggest smile. I felt like I had won the diabetes lottery, whatever that is! And in that very moment, I had already chosen that any small minute improvement was going to be recognized....and then she started to say how she had expected a better number and how it's still not where it should be. I shut that conversation down, not in a rude way, but I stopped her. I said to her, "No, I cannot do this - I need to be happy with this number. I need to recognize this accomplishment, because this is what it is for me, an accomplishment. I cannot have negativity enter my mind that this is not good enough. I know what I have to do, and I am doing it. I am doing the work, so I feel good about my results". With that, she stopped herself, and a small smile came to her face. Something of a silent understanding between us entered, and then she said, "Yes, you are right, you have done great work." In that moment, I felt satisfaction. I worked and I saw the results. They aren't perfect, but I made it to the sevens. And now, I will just keep going.
Numbers are one thing, but living life while trying to meet those numbers are another thing, and I feel like the doctors sometimes forget that. I know it's their job to push for the numbers, but sometimes they need a little push back to let them know that the numbers are within a human being who needs to be recognized for the work they are putting forth, no matter how small the change. As long as it's in the right direction is all that counts, in my opinion.
We then discussed my thyroid numbers, which have fallen in the 'normal range' for my last two tests. I was pleased to hear this.
And then we discussed the hormone replacement therapy. We are going to put it off for another while for now to see how it goes. That's when the emotions came rushing in. I asked questions about my condition, and was reminded that for me to have another child would be another miracle. So, in order for me to get more answers, she is sending me to a fertility clinic in Toronto's Mount Sinai hospital. I am not sure if this will give me the answers I need. I need something....anything, to bring me to a place where I can say, okay - now it's time to put closure to this issue, and I need to heal. I realize that I have a long road ahead of me. Who knows, maybe it will be a forever hurt that I may never recover from. I don't know that. I guess this is why Life is a journey. I just go from being okay with it, to then questioning it, so it's clear that my journey of acceptance is still ongoing. And don't get me wrong - I am the first person to be grateful for what I have been given. That's where my struggle is - to identify if my depths of sadness come from the fact that I cannot have another baby, or if it's mourning the loss of a choice. A choice that I should have been able to make, not a choice that has been ripped out from under me without my permission. It's a complex situation, and even I haven't figured it out yet. All I know is that I wish that the public knew more about Premature Ovarian Insufficiency. It's a condition that many women suffer from, but there is clearly not enough research on it yet. And fertility drugs does not help in any way. Fertility drugs like Clomid are given to drive the ovaries to push out more eggs. With Premature Ovarian Failure, there are little or no eggs left to 'push out', so there's no point in taking the drugs. That's why egg donors are out there. To help people with this condition have children, if that is the avenue they choose. Each person must do what is right for them. At this point in time of my life, I want to go to the fertility clinic to have my ovaries tested again, to just see if there is any function whatsoever.
In my experience, I had my miracle boy without any fertility measures after my diagnosis, which was a very rare occurrence - so going for a second miracle is a very slim chance. I can only live in hope - and try to comprehend it all in the process.
In the meantime, I will live every moment, try to laugh often, and love beyond words....
Have a great day!
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