Thursday 18 November 2010

And, the results! Proof that you MUST keep going....

It's been a few days since my last entry.  I felt it was necessary to get things into perspective before writing again.

I went to my appointment with my insulin pump nurse, and waited anxiously in the waiting area as this was the day I was going to see if all my hard work had paid off.  My nurse arrived and asked me to come into her office, so I followed, with my big red binder in tow.  (The 'big red binder' is where I hold all my blood sugar logs, and pump download reports, and any notes I have written the last few months)  I sat down, got comfortable, and we started to talk about the graphs and how things have been going.

I could not wait any longer.  I needed to know.  With a bit of excitement, yet, partly full of trepidation, I asked if she had received my most recent blood work.  She did.  As she flipped through my chart - which now looks more like a book, I was zoned in looking at numbers.  Was this the right page?  No....and then another...No....and then finally.  As her fingers went down the page, I was trying to see the HbA1C number - and for a moment, I mistakenly thought my fasting blood sugar number was my HbA1C.  It was not.  So, the results?  7.7%

My heart sank.  Yes, it did.  Why?  I felt disappointed, and it was very clear to my nurse that I was highly disappointed as well.  I just had built up my hopes so much that I would have my numbers at 7.0% because I would then know that even if I were to get pregnant, I would be so close to being 'in the clear' with regards to the blood sugar aspect.  But, it was not - and now I had even more work to do.  I have been using my insulin pump without the bolus wizard calculator.  It was how I was taught while pregnant, and frankly, worked well for me.  However, my current pump nurse would like me to try a different way, with the bolus wizard calculator.  I find it hard to wrap my mind around because I feel like a blood sugar high should be prevented in the first place, not corrected after it has gone high.  So, she and I hashed this out a bit.  I agreed to try her method, but that sent me into a sad, angry, frenzy that I was not willing to visit, but I had to.

I came home feeling like a mess.  All this hard work, and all I had gotten out of my blood work was a 7.7%? At this point, I was a little down and out, and angry that I had Diabetes.  Yes, after 24 years, I still have those days sometimes.  So, I gave myself permission to feel like crap for a bit, then I got up, brushed myself off, and  went on with my day.

So, the moral of the story is:  There will be days when you are angry and asking "Why me?", but then in all reality, "Why not me?".  You see, I can handle this.  I will have my hurdles, but I will get over them.  I am strong willed, and stubborn, and I will NOT let this Diabetes thing get me.  So, I will forge ahead, and I will work at this, and I have to see this 7.7% as an improvement.  A small one, but the numbers did drop from 8.2% to 7.7%, so I need to stop being so hard on myself and know that I am on the right path, and in the right mind frame so I can continue to improve my blood sugars.

It's going to be more hard work, but I will get there. (I am not sure where "there" is, because Diabetes never ends and is a constant battle, but you must fight to stay one step ahead of it, at all times)  You can too,  whether your 'life's work' is another type of hurdle, we sometimes have to dig deep to find what strength we thought we did not have all along.  Stop being so hard on yourself, and try to find peace in knowing that you are trying.  That's all that matters.

Monday 15 November 2010

Today is the day....blood work results!

It's a sunny morning here, and the leaves are blowing across the grass.  The squirrels are going crazy trying to gather up their food for the Winter.  I am happy to say, no snow...yet.

I have my appointment today with my insulin pump nurse.  I will find out the results to my blood work and my latest HbA1C.  I am hoping that it has dropped some since my last one of 8.2%.  I am not sure what to expect really, as I feel that I worked diligently between September and October, but then slacked off a little for the remainder of the time.  But, I am hoping that with all the adjustments of my pump that I did early on will have some affect on my latest HbA1C.  I will take a guess for now - and say that I will be happy if I got it down to at least 7%.  That will be a big improvement, and a number that is realistic, so that I am not disappointed in my efforts.

As for the baby feelings lately - I find myself exploring adoption sites, egg donor sites.  I suppose I am dipping my feet in the water, so to speak, just in case my future veers down one of these paths.  I believe it is a good thing, to educate yourself.  But, I do find myself still on the emotional roller coaster ride, constantly.  The feelings lately are not so harsh, I suppose, as I am beginning to accept that this may just be my fate.  Maybe I am only supposed to have one child.  But, I am so grateful for him.  I do wish though, that I could give him a sibling.  So, my quest will continue....for answers, for everything.  Hope & Faith.  It's what I must have.  Everything will happen in it's own time....not my time.

I had a great day yesterday.  I celebrated World Diabetes Day by wearing blue attire.  I then did the bigbluetest.org and then, at 3pm Eastern, I attended the online JDRF presentation.  So, I feel good that I had my own World Diabetes Day, and knowing the fact that there were others out there doing it with me.  I met some nice folks during the online presentation and was reminded that I am not alone in this.

It's the middle of November!  Last night we went for a family drive to look for Christmas lights.  I cannot believe that yet another year has gone by, well, just about.  Before you know it, it will be 2011!  It's hard to believe how time flies, especially when you see how fast the little one is growing.

Have a great day!

Tuesday 9 November 2010

It's been a sweet day - and I am grateful...

I woke up at 6am to go get my blood work done.  It was very chilly this morning as the frost was glued to the windows of my vehicle.  My fingers were numb as I used a card from my wallet to scrape the beautiful snowflake frost shapes from my window.  A little unprepared for this cold weather, I must say.  I just want to be in denial that Winter is on it's way.

I arrived at the lab around 6:35am.  The lab isn't supposed to open until 7am, but the doors open at 6:45am so the lab technicians can begin their paper work and get everything in order to begin drawing blood at 7am.  I arrived outside before the doors opened, it was still dark, and there were five people in front of me.  They were all ladies, varying in age.  They were standing around chattering about fees that different pharmacies offer.  I piped in to mention that my pharmacy just raised my 'filler fee' by $2.00.  It's not bad enough that we have to pay for life sustaining drugs out of our own pockets, but now the price is going up per prescription....well, that's a whole other topic.

I waited about 40 minutes to finally have my blood drawn, while listening to people mumbling under their breath about how "the clinic isn't supposed to be open until 7am, so why are there so many people?".  Well, being a blood test veteran, I can assure you that there will always be 'an early bird there to catch the worm', so that's why I was up at 6am to get to a lab that opened at 7am.  There's a little tip for any blood test 'newbies' out there.  Make good use of it, and you will save yourself lots of time when you need to get your blood work completed.

I had an interesting day otherwise.  One that I am very thankful for. I cannot get into a whole lot of things except that many things that happened today were very exciting, or full of good news.  So, I feel like I had the most awesome day.  And, it feels great.

I took Grey (our cat) to the vet this evening for his vaccinations.  I was telling our vet that seeing all the other little pups and dogs coming into the clinic was making me want another one.  I then explained how our "J" man was a miracle baby, and that our dog, Eddie, was our 'baby' before our son came along.  I joked as I told him that if I get another dog, I may just have another baby.  We brought our pup home February of 2008, and then in February 2009, we brought our son home.  So, I joked that that would happen to me.  He then brought up the fact that he adopted his two children.  I must say, based on the last two weeks of my emotional roller coaster ride, I was quite intrigued by this conversation.  I am just starting to try to accept that my body may not do what I want it to, but that doesn't have to be the end of it, does it?  I am still yearning to have a sibling for our boy.  I want him to share life with someone, in our family.

I am not sure how I will go about getting to the end goal of this journey, but I think today's lesson made me realize that my one track mind may not be the answer.  I realized that when taking a journey, there are some unexpected turns along the way.  I am grateful for this.  It has given me some peace of mind, for the time being.

Monday 8 November 2010

Hey, Sugar! It's that time again!

I am fasting tonight, it's blood work in the morning for me.  And, I seem to feel as though I still didn't do my best.   I have to realize though, that I do feel like my HbA1C will have dropped, just not to where I want it to be.  But, that's the way life is, correct?  We usually don't always get what we want right away.  So, I will wait patiently.  I was hoping that I would get my sugars to 6% but based on the fact that our Thanksgiving, and Halloween fell around those times, I fell from the wagon, so to speak, just a few times.  So, I will aim for 7% this time.  I hope I at least made it there from 8.2%   This appointment I have next week is with my insulin pump nurse.  My Endocrinologist appointment isn't until January.  So let's see if I can make it through the holiday season of Christmas with all the cakes, cookies, and everything tempting, and come out with a great result in the end!

I am trying to check my sugars regularly, and need to download much more.  But, there is always room for improvement.  I am happy though that I made it to a birthday party this past weekend, and did not have any cake!  Never thought about it until now, really.  Do you see where this is going?  I am fasting, and I am thinking about food....ha ha ha.

I also shopped for myself this weekend.  A very nice treat, indeed.  And it made me feel good.  I have to do more to make myself feel good.  It's a requirement.  I've been going through a lot lately, and I deserve it.  And I have no problem saying that.  Believing it, well - when you get the 'Mommy guilt syndrome' you sometimes have to convince yourself.  No, really, I know I needed to get out and do some shopping, and I had a great time doing it!  I must do it more often.  But, when trying on a dress, I still have not figured out how to hide my insulin pump.  That's still a work in progress.

It's getting late, and I have to be up in less than 8 hours, so I will call it a night.  What better way to avoid food?  Sleep.... Ah,  yes.   Let's just hope I do not subconsciously decide to sleep walk to the fridge tonight.  Bye bye, fasting blood sugar....hehe

Sweet dreams!