And, the results! Proof that you MUST keep going....

It's been a few days since my last entry.  I felt it was necessary to get things into perspective before writing again.

I went to my appointment with my insulin pump nurse, and waited anxiously in the waiting area as this was the day I was going to see if all my hard work had paid off.  My nurse arrived and asked me to come into her office, so I followed, with my big red binder in tow.  (The 'big red binder' is where I hold all my blood sugar logs, and pump download reports, and any notes I have written the last few months)  I sat down, got comfortable, and we started to talk about the graphs and how things have been going.

I could not wait any longer.  I needed to know.  With a bit of excitement, yet, partly full of trepidation, I asked if she had received my most recent blood work.  She did.  As she flipped through my chart - which now looks more like a book, I was zoned in looking at numbers.  Was this the right page?  No....and then another...No....and then finally.  As her fingers went down the page, I was trying to see the HbA1C number - and for a moment, I mistakenly thought my fasting blood sugar number was my HbA1C.  It was not.  So, the results?  7.7%

My heart sank.  Yes, it did.  Why?  I felt disappointed, and it was very clear to my nurse that I was highly disappointed as well.  I just had built up my hopes so much that I would have my numbers at 7.0% because I would then know that even if I were to get pregnant, I would be so close to being 'in the clear' with regards to the blood sugar aspect.  But, it was not - and now I had even more work to do.  I have been using my insulin pump without the bolus wizard calculator.  It was how I was taught while pregnant, and frankly, worked well for me.  However, my current pump nurse would like me to try a different way, with the bolus wizard calculator.  I find it hard to wrap my mind around because I feel like a blood sugar high should be prevented in the first place, not corrected after it has gone high.  So, she and I hashed this out a bit.  I agreed to try her method, but that sent me into a sad, angry, frenzy that I was not willing to visit, but I had to.

I came home feeling like a mess.  All this hard work, and all I had gotten out of my blood work was a 7.7%? At this point, I was a little down and out, and angry that I had Diabetes.  Yes, after 24 years, I still have those days sometimes.  So, I gave myself permission to feel like crap for a bit, then I got up, brushed myself off, and  went on with my day.

So, the moral of the story is:  There will be days when you are angry and asking "Why me?", but then in all reality, "Why not me?".  You see, I can handle this.  I will have my hurdles, but I will get over them.  I am strong willed, and stubborn, and I will NOT let this Diabetes thing get me.  So, I will forge ahead, and I will work at this, and I have to see this 7.7% as an improvement.  A small one, but the numbers did drop from 8.2% to 7.7%, so I need to stop being so hard on myself and know that I am on the right path, and in the right mind frame so I can continue to improve my blood sugars.

It's going to be more hard work, but I will get there. (I am not sure where "there" is, because Diabetes never ends and is a constant battle, but you must fight to stay one step ahead of it, at all times)  You can too,  whether your 'life's work' is another type of hurdle, we sometimes have to dig deep to find what strength we thought we did not have all along.  Stop being so hard on yourself, and try to find peace in knowing that you are trying.  That's all that matters.