Good 'mourning'

I cannot hold it in any longer.  I must write.  For days now, I have been sad, feeling depressed, and cannot continue as if everything is fine.

I am so sad.  I am sad because of the uncertainty of my future.  Will I have another child?  And the many emotions that come along with it.

The fluctuating hormones and emotions in my body are causing me to be so emotional.  I really think I am mourning the loss of a child that I may never meet or have.  I am a wreck.  The last few days, I can be doing anything one minute, and the next minute, my head is on my arm over the kitchen sink, sobbing uncontrollably.

I am trying to keep it together, but I am so sad on the inside that my body doesn't work sometimes, the way I want it to.

But I know that I need to do this.  I need to mourn this 'loss'.  Otherwise, I will be one big stress ball.  So as I sit here, in tears, I know that this is a process and I must get through it.

I cannot wait to get to acceptance.  But the hard part is, never knowing.  Not knowing what is going to happen, and making that final decision, and being okay with it, to have just the one child.

I don't know where this road is going to lead me, but it's a difficult journey.  I can try to stay positive, but some days are going to be harder than others.

I just have to remember, this too shall pass....