It's been over a week since I last wrote. And the time before that, my son was sick with a fever for 6 days, so I drop in here when I can, and hopefully, it will be more often in the near future.
This past week took me away from the world of internet, phone, etc. It was a nice getaway for our Thanksgiving weekend. I managed to get some nice photography shots near the water. I love water - I am drawn to it, and quite frankly, I find it very therapeutic.
Which brings me to the present. Every other week, I have been experiencing a day or two here and there where I am just not feeling quite right within myself. *I'll pause here for a moment as my boy is ready to pour a bowl of cheerios over his head. :) * Okay, as I was saying....I have been finding myself in these particular moods that I cannot sort through. Really, I think I do know what's going on. Even though Life goes on and we have our daily happenings around here, I feel that this Premature Ovarian Failure has a bit of a hold on me. You see, I have had 24 years to accept having Type 1 Diabetes, and Hypothyroidism, and that doesn't make it any easier, but it does have precedence in the 'acceptance' department, if you know what I mean.
The Premature Ovarian Failure diagnosis is still quite fresh for me, and yes - it has been 2 years and 7 months since my official diagnosis, but I didn't have to pay it much attention, or process it for that matter, because I got pregnant with my first child two months after that diagnosis. Then came my obsession of having a successful diabetic pregnancy, and then having a baby, and all that comes with that. So, now I sit here, with I guess you can say, a second diagnosis, because it is now resurfacing. The hormone fluctuations are happening, I suffer hot flashes, and feel that these rampant hormones are affecting my moods as well. I can be strong most of the time, but the thought within me these days have me sort of obsessing whether or not I will have my second child that I yearn for. I find myself tearing up with emotion at the weirdest times. I mean, I know I can be a sucker for punishment, but why buy barrettes at the grocery store and pin them on my fridge? I don't even have a little girl. I think it's the unknown that is getting me all up in arms. Most days I am shrugging this diagnosis off because we had our first boy, and I know things work out in their own time, but then I stop and think, "Can I have a miracle twice?" Then I was reading an article in a magazine yesterday about people living their lives at certain ages and what advice they give, knowing what they know now. And the words "Have the baby" jumped off the page at me. And then of course, my thoughts go immediately to, "What if I cannot?" So, I find my blog here so appropriately named....The Roller coaster. That's what I am on, and I don't know when the ride will end. I only hope that it's a happy ending, that's all.
I just need to keep faith in knowing that whatever is meant to be will happen for me, and when the final decision comes from the 'universe' or 'higher power', I just have to learn to accept it. But, that doesn't mean that I won't have moments of feeling sad and disappointed. That's what I need to go through to get to the acceptance part.
Warning - do not proceed to read ahead if you cannot handle the "TMI department" *too much information* as I will be talking about the reality of living with Premature Ovarian Failure.
In the meantime, on a positive note, and in the TMI (too much information) department, I have just had a visit from my monthly friend for the first time in 75 days, which is a smaller time frame than my last one of 142 days apart. So, this could be a good sign with that time frame being cut in half. My blood sugars are doing well (with the exception of this past crazy weekend) with my adjustments on my insulin pump. I have been on my prenatal vitamins for almost 2 months now, and fingers remain crossed for something more than just an Anovulatory cycle. An anovulatory cycle is a menstrual cycle in which ovulation (release of an egg) fails to occur. So yes, I clearly need to relax my brain but I am living this thing day to day just waiting and wondering what is going to happen. With the hormones in my body, it can be difficult sometimes.
A little story to tell you about my last appointment with my Endocrinologist - it was the day I had the stress test. I didn't mention this in my previous blog about it. After I was finished asking her about my prenatal vitamins, and my wacky blood sugars, I told her something that made her laugh. Humor is always good when trying to get through something. Lightheartedly, I told my Endocrinologist that I would get pregnant by November. She laughed and asked me why I would choose November. I then told her that it's all about timing. I told her that since my menstrual periods were 4 months apart, I would predict my next one to be November, and also, in November, I will have been on my prenatal vitamins for 3 months, which would take me to the appropriate amount of time to be on a prenatal vitamin before getting pregnant. She then laughed a kind laugh, and said, "Well, Cindy, if that happens, I will just have to write an article on you!" So, I then told her "I will will it to happen!" and smiled as she walked out the door. I guess this will be a true test of 'what you think about, you bring about'. But, based on her comment, I am thinking that this may be a little more difficult than I am thinking. We will see.
Writing helps me. I babble my thoughts here, and feel like I can breathe again. So, with that, I am going to go enjoy this day and feel blessed with the little boy that's sitting here next to me using his yogurt to finger paint. :) He does not know it yet, but one day he will know how much we wanted him in our lives, and we are so happy he is here. We love you "J" man. And we can only hope that one day, I can write about a little sibling for him.
One day at a time!
Cindy :)
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